Self Esteem and DV

Let’s talk self esteem, and the role it plays in domestic violence. Personally I believe it is one of the top 10 reasons people stay in an abusive relationship. However there has been some dispute, and I am curious how other individuals feel in regards to this topic. I highly agree with what Bennyd10 has stated here, and here alone “I do believe that in an abusive relationship the abuser belittles and demeans the victim and that can create low self esteem.” Although I also think that she fails to recoginze that prior to being in an absive relationship we (the so called victims) were individuals. We stood alone, we acted alone, and yes we even made choices on our own. Typically prior to being in an abusive relationship a vicitim already has low self esteem. The abuser rushes in and sweeps the victim off their feet showering them with love and affection. They tend to be over the top… overly charming, overly romantic, and overly caring in a very obsessive manner. For example I came home from work one day, and walked into a sea of beautifully lit tea candles. My first instinct was Oooo Ahhh WOW how incredibly romantic. I am one LUCKY girl! Although my secondary reaction consisted of racing thoughts that our house was going to catch fire and burn to the ground. I frantically ran around blowing out candles. Point being that the abuser catches us when our self esteem is already at a low, and they know exactly how to wiggle their way into our world.

If you are a victim of domestic violence… please help me wrap my head around this issue, and voice where you stand in regards to this topic!

TOP 10 Reasons People Stay in an Abusive Relationship

1) Low self-esteem… I presented low self esteem as number one because your fate begins with yourself and how you choose to see yourself. The choices you make, the character you display, and the the path you walk along are all a reflection of how you feel about yourself and what you think you deserve in life. If you want to be happy then take it because it’s yours to have. If you want a loving relationship then start by loving yourself, and the rest will fall into place. Anything you dream of or desire is all within arms reach. Create the reality you deserve!

2) Normality… Upbringing plays a big role in the area of normality. Some people find themselves in an abusive relationship because it is familiar, possibly even somewhat comfortable for them. It tends to mirror the household they might have been raised in. You can’t pick your family, but you can choose the amount of time you wish to spend with them. No one derserves abuse, and you can choose to break the cycle of violence for you and your children.

3) Shelter… If I leave him where will I go?

4) Pride… Some ladies have told me that they remained in an abusive relationship because they did not want to look or feel like a failure. Just remember that if you choose to remain in an abusive relationship the only thing your friends and family will be looking at is a coffin with your name on it!

5) Financial Status… We get married, we merge bank accounts, and now we are financially tied. When money enters the picture anything is possible for better or worse. No financial display of affection is worth putting yourself in a dangerous situation.

6) Family ties… I am a BIG believer in family… family time, family fun, family reunions, and overall family togetherness. On another note I would like to say that I don’t believe in divorce, but sometimes life experiences test your values and your viewpoint on a matter may shift. When children are involved in a domestic violence situation I personally feel it is a no brainer… SAVE the babies!!

7) Denial… Some people are not ready to admit to themselves and those around them the truth or reality of the situation. Once a problem is truly recognized people then feel obligated to follow through, and do something about it. Many people are not ready to move in that direction. In fact they could still be in shock and awe from the overall situation. Domestic violence is a lot to swallow, and it doesn’t just occur over night. Remember victims fell in love with their abuser for a reason.

8) Religion… I am no expert on religion, but many ladies have told me that they stayed in an abusive relationship due to their religion.

9) Love… I fell in LOVE with my Ex husband for many reasons, and it was extremely difficult to walk away. He wasn’t always evil, and still to this day I do believe he’s not all bad. Unfortunately a few wires crossed over time. Hurtful words were expressed, and angry fists of rage displayed on more than one occasion.

10) Fear… Walking away from a man or woman you love or once loved is the hardest thing in the world. Fear of the unknown is even scarier. Many thoughts ran through my head during the process of leaving… Where will I live? What will I do for work? How will I provide for myself and my child? How will I afford daycare? Will I be safe? Will more harm come to me if I leave? How will things play out? Frankly I don’t know the answers to these questions. I do know that if you choose to stay you are enabling your significant other, and I imagine more harm will come to you.

The web we weave…

If you are in an abusive relationship why do you choose to stay? If you ever have been in an abusive relationship, and chose to leave… what was the reasoning? We have choices in this world, and some are easier than others. Whatever your reasons are, and your choices may be… remember that it is you that has to live with your decisions. So choose wisely for yourself and possibly your children… and remember, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.” -Semisonic

TOP 10 List of BIG Thanks

(I couldn’t resist posting this e-card, LOL!)

A BIG thanks to…

1) ME, yes ME… because I had the strength and courage to leave an abusive situation for myself and my son.
2) My family and friends… without their love and support I couldn’t have gotten through these past few years.
3) Support groups, and more specifically I’d like to thank Al-Anon and my domestic violence women’s group. They accepted me at my deepest, darkest, and depressing moments. These groups provided love and support. They provided an ear to listen, and hope for a brighter tomorrow.
4) Shelters and homeless programs… I would specifically like to thank one that provided me shelter, and helped me get back on my feet. Unfortunately I don’t want to plaster their name in big lights with fearful thoughts that my abuser might come across this website, put the pieces together, and eventually lead back to me. Places such as these give individuals and families a second chance at a brighter future.
5) Government programs… you never know what cards you might be dealt in the game of life. Sometimes a chain of unfortunate events occur, and you are beyond thankful that these programs exist.
6) Food in my belly… again a BIG thanks to all the programs that help in that area, and provide an extra boost to individuals and families in need.
7) A roof over my head, and affordable housing programs that help provide me with the extra boost I need to create a warm friendly environment for myself and my son.
8) Mother Earth and all her beauty… without her love and affection we could not exist! Therefore tread lightly… reduce, reuse, and recycle!
9) My beautiful baby who provides me with smiles, giggles, and strength to get me through each and everyday.
10) Technology, internet, and all my fabulous followers (friends)… A BIG thanks for listening to my story, and providing your support and suggestions along the way. You truly MEAN THE WORLD to me! I HOPE you will pass along my message in hopes to help someone in need… Thank you