TOP 10 Reasons People Stay in an Abusive Relationship

1) Low self-esteem… I presented low self esteem as number one because your fate begins with yourself and how you choose to see yourself. The choices you make, the character you display, and the the path you walk along are all a reflection of how you feel about yourself and what you think you deserve in life. If you want to be happy then take it because it’s yours to have. If you want a loving relationship then start by loving yourself, and the rest will fall into place. Anything you dream of or desire is all within arms reach. Create the reality you deserve!

2) Normality… Upbringing plays a big role in the area of normality. Some people find themselves in an abusive relationship because it is familiar, possibly even somewhat comfortable for them. It tends to mirror the household they might have been raised in. You can’t pick your family, but you can choose the amount of time you wish to spend with them. No one derserves abuse, and you can choose to break the cycle of violence for you and your children.

3) Shelter… If I leave him where will I go?

4) Pride… Some ladies have told me that they remained in an abusive relationship because they did not want to look or feel like a failure. Just remember that if you choose to remain in an abusive relationship the only thing your friends and family will be looking at is a coffin with your name on it!

5) Financial Status… We get married, we merge bank accounts, and now we are financially tied. When money enters the picture anything is possible for better or worse. No financial display of affection is worth putting yourself in a dangerous situation.

6) Family ties… I am a BIG believer in family… family time, family fun, family reunions, and overall family togetherness. On another note I would like to say that I don’t believe in divorce, but sometimes life experiences test your values and your viewpoint on a matter may shift. When children are involved in a domestic violence situation I personally feel it is a no brainer… SAVE the babies!!

7) Denial… Some people are not ready to admit to themselves and those around them the truth or reality of the situation. Once a problem is truly recognized people then feel obligated to follow through, and do something about it. Many people are not ready to move in that direction. In fact they could still be in shock and awe from the overall situation. Domestic violence is a lot to swallow, and it doesn’t just occur over night. Remember victims fell in love with their abuser for a reason.

8) Religion… I am no expert on religion, but many ladies have told me that they stayed in an abusive relationship due to their religion.

9) Love… I fell in LOVE with my Ex husband for many reasons, and it was extremely difficult to walk away. He wasn’t always evil, and still to this day I do believe he’s not all bad. Unfortunately a few wires crossed over time. Hurtful words were expressed, and angry fists of rage displayed on more than one occasion.

10) Fear… Walking away from a man or woman you love or once loved is the hardest thing in the world. Fear of the unknown is even scarier. Many thoughts ran through my head during the process of leaving… Where will I live? What will I do for work? How will I provide for myself and my child? How will I afford daycare? Will I be safe? Will more harm come to me if I leave? How will things play out? Frankly I don’t know the answers to these questions. I do know that if you choose to stay you are enabling your significant other, and I imagine more harm will come to you.

The web we weave…

If you are in an abusive relationship why do you choose to stay? If you ever have been in an abusive relationship, and chose to leave… what was the reasoning? We have choices in this world, and some are easier than others. Whatever your reasons are, and your choices may be… remember that it is you that has to live with your decisions. So choose wisely for yourself and possibly your children… and remember, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.” -Semisonic

Can You Eat Your Way To Happiness?

The fast food drive thru (especially my yummy shake) saved me from myself, and my screaming child who was driving me nuts today. Food is currently my treasured lover, and shopping my new best friend. Alone at night I find that I stuff my face to comfort myself, and I shop to feel beautiful. Lately my self esteem is so low, and my single mommy frustration is sky rocketing. Sporadic uncontrollable tears are dropping like loose time bombs. My heart is like a sinking ship at the thought of happily married couples, beautiful pregnancies, and cheery baby showers. Each is a painful reminder of the past, and the fantasy I envisioned yet never had. It is also a dreadful reminder of an unforeseen future. I don’t see a role model husband (or any for that matter), a father figure for my child, or the family I created in my reality. I feel like I’m stuck in a catch 22… I want to get out and meet some new people, but a babysitter is expensive and I’m broke. In addition to my financial standing I have a difficult time trusting others with my child due to circumstances regarding the abusive Ex. The few times I have escaped for a mommy night out I often end up feeling lost and out of place. I don’t feel like this everyday, but these thoughts constantly run the treadmill through my head. Any thoughts or suggestions on how I can break free from this cycle of emotional eating and shopping?

Cliques, Questions, and a Punch in The Face

Every Clique or individual has their top 10 questions that they ask someone they recently meet. For example sports fans might ask other like parties… “What’s your favorite team?” or “Did you see the game last night on television?” New mommies have a similar set of questions, and amongst those questions is my favorite… “Are you planning on having another child?” I imagine this is every single mommies least favorite question. When I am personally approached with this question many thoughts race through my head… “Yes I plan on having a few more with the husband who I recently divorced.” “Yes I plan on having random sex with a stranger in the near future.” “Yes I will be having artificial insemination, thanks for asking… oh and does your husband want to donate?” I realized these ladies asking may not be aware of my current status, or even how this question may affect me… so I’m going to fill you in. If you want to punch me in the face, or feel like ripping my heart right out of my chest then ask me this one question. This question is a reminder of what once was, and what could have been my happily ever after. Any thoughts or opinions regarding this topic?

Carrying Info Back to the Enemy

Monday afternoon a black Mustang sits parked behind my car. The driver has been sitting in it for quite some time. It makes me nervous… What if it’s him? What if it’s one of his friends? What if it’s a private detective watching my every move and carrying information back to the enemy. In this case my Ex-husband. I jot down the license plate number just in case, and file it away to possibly reference it at a later date. I hope a day comes soon when I can put this behind me, RELAX, and feel at ease.

Ripped Out My Heart, and Ate it For Breakfast

A scene flashes on the television… a woman, a big beautiful diamond ring, and a happy couple. It’s as if someone just took a knife, stabbed me in the heart, ripped it out, and ate it for breakfast while no one was looking. The whole scene sends me straight to tears. I often look back, and wonder what happened to my dream, my happy family, and the man I thought to be so incredibly romantic. At what point did things take a turn for the worst?

Lurking in the Shadows, Accidental Death

Stars fill the night sky, and the air is crisp and cool. I glance behind me suddenly realizing I’m outside alone. Anxiety comes over me, and I suddenly pause. I’m alone, all alone, it is night-time, and I am heading to the vehicle my husband and I once shared together. Unless he misplaced it he still possesses a spare key to the car. What if he’s waiting in the dark shadows of the backseat of the car… a knife or gun in hand waiting for blood to be shed. What if he tampered with my breaks or engine fixing my death to look like an accident. Maybe he attached a bomb to the underside of my car. I think I watch too many movies. Bottom line I still have anxiety and fear. I purposely remove items from my car because the train of thought runs through my head… “What if he breaks into my car while I’m in a store or with a friend? What if I wake up tomorrow and my car is gone altogether?… “

Drunk, Defeated, or Dead

“Why do you think he didn’t show?,” asked a friend. He died. That is all that runs through my head. He must be dead, otherwise why wouldn’t he show up at the courthouse that day. Maybe he’s too proud, maybe he’s drunk or coked up somewhere, maybe he already felt he had been defeated, or maybe he’s dead. That is not wishful thinking, but rather a coping mechanism lingering in my head. If death became of him I do not have to fear him. Nor do I have to deal with the issue that maybe he never loved or cared about me. I would no longer have to worry that he would harm our son, manipulate him, or be that Disneyland Dad. I would not have to worry about what to tell our son when he gets older. Should I inform him of our dark history, or should I allow him to pass his own judgement. How far should I go to protect our son from his fathers physical and verbal abuse?

Beauty and the Restraining Order

Family court is an interesting place… crowds of people fill the hallway, waiting, anticipating, nervous… some happy, some sad. Ladies fill the women’s restroom just waiting to be the next to paint their face. Tears fill their eyes… maybe they just lost a husband or a child. A story just like mine. It’s interesting that in many rituals you get so dressed up for that one last good-bye. A bon voyage party, a graduation, a funeral, a divorce, and even a restraining order against your husband. Why is it we want to look so beautiful for one last good-bye?

My heart is racing, my hands are shaky, and I anxiously keep looking around and peering over my shoulder to see if he is going to show. He was suppose to appear at 1:45 pm to settle the restraining order, divorce, and custody. Where is he, and what is he thinking? Sitting at a bar knocking back another drink, coked up with some floozy… bottom line he is currently a no show. Funny that he claims to care about his child and want to see his child yet he can’t seem to make it to this court date.

He never showed up at court that day, and because all issues had already been tried once before the judge let us push on without him. The judge granted a five year restraining order to protect myself and our son that day. This is the maximum protection, time frame the court will grant. In addition the judge finalized the mediators recommendations which consisted of my husband having supervised visitation upon completion of an alcohol assessment and a 52 week batterer program. The courts even granted me child support. I was never interested in the money, mostly fear of being tied to him for the next 18 years. It was always about our son’s safety.

Before leaving the courtroom that day the judge spoke to me. She mentioned that she was proud of me for getting out of an abusive relationship, to continue to take the proper steps needed to protect myself and my son, and to start fresh with a new begining. The judge was clearly proud of me. My friends and family were truely proud. I was proud of myself for what I had accomplished that day at the courthouse. I received everything I asked for in court that day. So why did I leave with tears in my eyes? Was I hurt he didn’t show after I was up all evening choosing the perfect outfit, or… That he didn’t care, and no longer loved me? Or that it is the end of this chapter of my life? Many things went through my head at that moment… the romantic moments I shared with him, the physically and verbally abusive nights, where is he at and why didn’t he show up, is he stalking us or are we safe… Although the thought which sticks out most in my head is that this day represents the END of the beautiful dream I hoped to share with my husband, the happy family fantasy, and my white picket fence is no more.