Prego and the Loon

Wandering Chaos

In Relationships on February 1, 2013 at 6:10 am

31525_20120810_233232_quotes-goodbye

My mind has been wandering for days unable to make sense of the sea of chaos which surrounds my being. I have been adrift. Without anchor or guidance my tormented soul seeks closure. My head locked and bolted that door many moons ago, but my heart is still stumbling along unable to pick up the pieces and move on. Secretly I would like to think that my ex wrote this little number for Bruno Mars, and somewhere out there he is still softly singing it to me!

“When I Was Your Man” -Bruno Mars

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don’t sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing
But she’s dancing with another man

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing
But she’s dancing with another man

Although it hurts
I’ll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I’m probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man

How does one close the door, heal the heart, and move on to the next chapter in their life? Suggestions needed for my sanity, and the sanity of my friends and followers that may be sailing a similar ship!

  1. I don’t think there is a good answer for that question. If there was, then I would like to think someone would have told me it by now. I’ve been asking myself that for the last year. Someone told me that it wouldn’t happen until someone new came along. That then, and only then, would I be able to forget him and focus on someone else. This, of course, worries me because I don’t know when “someone new” will come along. And what if it’s another year before that happens? Does that mean I have to keep thinking about my ex until then? I really hope not because I think that would really push me over the edge. But I have to say that maybe my friend was right. Maybe it will take someone new to make me finally not think about him every single day. Of course, with a new man come new concerns, worries, trust issues, etc. Nothing is ever easy, is it?

    • I think I have learned to be ok with my feelings and to take comfort in all the good in my life right now. Right where I am. I may not be going down the path wanted or expected, but I have come to peace with all of it.
      There will be moments of sadness over loss but its ok.
      Also knowing some people closest to you will never “get it” and it’s just because they haven’t walked in your shoes.
      I have to remind myself of that because of insensitive comments not meant to harm me.
      Plus I always hope in the things to come.
      Pray pray pray.
      And accept that you are human.

  2. I am reminded by a wise professor about living your best in the moment you are in. Remembering the past is behind you and you have not yet attained to the future. Live for the moment my dear. Live as positively as you can , but when the rushes of despair fill your mind- pause –and think how far you have come..God Bless You.

  3. Closing a door means leaving what you want behind that door, to be forgotten, i suppose. I’ve learned that I/we should not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. However hard or difficult or painful the past is, we can use that to grow, to heal and to move on.

    Life is cyclical. Meaning that situations and memories come up repeatedly. And every time we get to look at a particular situation – we see it from a new perspective, from another angle, the older we get, we change, and the pain that we felt from the past gets less and less, until it becomes a non issue.

    I know you have written about so many painful things in the past because I follow you. For your sanity let go of the past. take stock of what happened. take what you can use, leave the rest behind, and do not become a slave to your memories or your pain. Because if you allow your pain to be your guide, only pain will follow. Life is time spent growing and becoming who we were meant to be. We are not who we were or what we have done, or what was done to us by another.

    You are away now, building a new life. You are who you are today, plain and simple. Learn from the past and turn the pain into gain. Imagine how much power negative feelings and thoughts have on ones psyche ! Now think this through… Imagine all the positive energy you can redirect into your life instead of focusing on pain and misery. Turn that negativity into positivity.

    I suffer from a terminal illness myself and I have learned how to turn all that negative shit into life sustaining power and faith. I’m still alive. 18 years later. It works when you learn how to redirect negative energy and pain into life giving water.

    Jeremy

  4. You have received some very thoughtful and loving responses. What a blessing you are to have inspired such love!

  5. I agree that the responses you have received are wonderful and I hope their love gives you strength. My big sister is in a very similar situation and I am struggling to know what to say to keep her positive. She is still so emotionally attached to the man that has treated her so badly. We talked about it yesterday a little, and we could only compare it to our grief when our elder sister died.

    Everyone moves through grief differently, but for both of us keeping as busy as we could did help, and making sure we looked after our health was important. I eat healthily (most of the time!), but I stopped drinking wine at the weekend, because I couldn’t handle even the small dip in my mood the next day. It may help to try to figure out when you feel most down or vulnerable. If it is love songs on the radio, it might be time to put some classical CDs or audio books on the stereo for a while.

    I promise that at some point in the future, you will have a day where your heart hasn’t actively cried out for that person. 🙂

  6. I’m right here with you. I’m still stuck on a guy that I was involved with for 4 years. Except in the end I figured out I cared for him more than he did for me. From time to time I see him on social networks and I’m tempted to talk but its too painful. And half the time I just feel hopeless and destined to be alone for the rest of my life (even though I’m only 19). I just like to take it a day at a time and go to bed before its that hour of the night where you lie awake and just think. Its not much, but its the best I can suggest. Just know you aren’t alone. Stay strong 🙂

  7. Reblogged this on Dare. Do. Die. and commented:
    I needed to see this, its nice to know I’m not completely crazy

    • You’re definitely not completely crazy. 😉 As is evidence of some of the comments here, several of us have been through this. We must stick together to encourage one another and help one another to get through….

  8. I wish I had the wisdom and advice to comfort you. I know what ist like to have my heart completely ripped out my chest and torn in two. But I also know that there is such a thing as second chances and time can trully heal. I hope and pray you wll find the comfort your seek and need. Bug hugs and love xoxoxo

  9. I wasn’t even that much in love, but he was the father of my child, and I just had to take it one day at a time. Some days I’d have set-backs, but I learned to forgive myself and start over the next day. Eventually I was able to release the anger, then the pain, and then, eventually, the hurt. I never found a magic pill or a magic poster with an inspirational saying that pulled me through. I did learn that I had to be happy with myself. That if I tried to forget one guy with another, it was just a temporary distraction. I learned that I had to be happy on my own, with myself and that opened me up to making a better life with the life I already had. Now I can look back and be glad of the experience because of all it brought me. It gave me a son. It gave me the ability to show myself how strong I was. I learned to be grateful for all I had, all I did and all I could do, and eventually, I could hear “our” song on the radio and not burst into tears!
    Good Luck! Sending good energy your way! Because no matter what great advice we all give you – it is really all up to you.

  10. The only thing I could say is, time. Time really does mend the heart. Sometimes it can take a few months, sometimes a few years. Don’t give yourself a time-limit to feel better either- we’re all different. The best thing you can do now, is take care of yourself. Pour yourself into activities, (or as my mom once told me: keep your hands busy), literally. You’re in heartache, so better to be in heartache while taking care of yourself, than letting it eat away at you. Think of yourself as a role-model for other women- keep pushing through each day, and each day will be .001% better than the next.

    You have a lot of great message of encouragement and strength here- I wish you all the best, and will be following your journey.

    -JulieC

  11. the only way to move to the next chapter is by closing the chapter that has ended.
    and just starting the next with a bang. but it is a sad reality that we sometime tend to hold on to the past just because we are familiar with it through the time spent.
    but life goes on …

  12. Give yourself time…there’s no right timeframe and every day is a new one. Therapy was very helpful for me, and dealing with issues when they came up, rather than pushing them back down with “I shouldn’t feel this way.” My favorite book that really helped me was ” Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends” – I recommend it to everyone. Hope this helps!

  13. We don’t know each other, but we do share a very similar life experience. Living in and coming out of an abusive relationship is terribly hard. People who haven’t been through it really don’t understand all of the emotions and thoughts that you go through. I have lived them all. It took a lot of time to get over the hurt and disappointment of where my life had gone. My ex didn’t respect marriage or women. He was abusive, mean and hateful at times. He took most of his anger out on my step son (his first born). I remember watching him throw his then seven year old son across the living room by his neck. But now my daughters and I are in a much better place physically, mentally and emotionally. I am re-married to a wonderful man who has been such a blessing in mine and my daughters life. Because of my husband they will know how a man should treat his wife and kids. They don’t live in a house where there is constant screaming, crying and fighting. The dating part was difficult because as a woman who has seen the worst in a man I tended to always look for that in others. But he is a saint and was very patient with me. Again, it takes time. Just remember not to regret what you have been through. There was a time when you truly loved him and he was the thing you wanted most. And even though things didn’t work out the way you had envisioned, you were strong and brave enough to leave an unhealthy situation. Many aren’t. I found comfort in speaking with other women who had been through similar things and volunteering at domestic violence shelters. I also started going to church and I found so many wonderful people there who had been through similar things as I had. You just take one day at a time and I promise it does get better. My motto during it all was “This Too Shall Pass” and it did! God Bless you dear, hang in there. You are in my thoughts and prayers 🙂

  14. You are doing it. You are cleansing your past and bringing your self into now. You are learning to let go by coming to terms with your past and moving into now. Time is the only other factor here. The saying ‘infinite patience reveals immediate results’ is important to keep in mind. Let things take their course. Trust that you are doing what you need and that you are where you need to be. Hard as this moment is, each moment you trust in what has gotten you where you are will get you to where you need to be. It is a process, not a race with a goal. You will know when you have arrived at where you want to be only to discover that there is somewhere else you are going at that time. Love and Light.

  15. Don’t think of it as closing the door. You’ve left the room and are entering into a new one. Give yourself time.

  16. I wanted to leave you some thoughts of encouragement. We are in charge of our thoughts, as hard as it may be to get a harness on them, we can, we should, and we will. For each and every negative or unwanted thought that enters into your mind, replace it with a positive thought. This is a re-training process of the mind. We need to “unwire” the connections and ties that run deep in the heart, and also the “training” of the mind that comes with abuse. We must understand that it takes time to heal, and also awareness, and effort. Using positive affirmations is one way of doing just that. Please visit Louise Hay’s website, http://www.healyourlife.com She has so many helpful affirmations, resources, and encouragement for those of us who are healing from abuse.
    Love & Blessings~ Wendy

  17. I understand. There are times I sit and think about all the could’ve beens and whatnot. I had such high hopes and plans and they all got dashed when I realized what kind of man he really was. I’m still dealing with the lawsuit he brought against me – complete crock that it is.

    When I start thinking of all the good and bad, I shift focus. I write, I read, I might nap, and I hug my babies.

  18. I’m not sure what the answer is…. I don’t like when people say “time will heal” but it does eventually. I’m a Cancerian and hold onto past hurts like no other…. You don’t even want to know how bad it was. (I was living in a literally SEA of tissues (from crying) in which I had to be rescued from)…. Eventuallllllllly, I moved on enough to heal ….

  19. Ah, to sit shiva with you as you go through this, dear one… I remember asking the same questions, albeit in not so well-formed sentences, after my first husband died. He was something of a brute but here we shall not talk ill of the dead but only reminisce about the woulda-shoulda-coulda’s that pop up in dreams even now, some nearly 14 years later. As others have said the answers are not clear (that sounded like the fortune in the Magic 8 Ball!), but the edges of memories become not so sharp with time. Open your heart and let new love in…healing comes. Oh, yes.

  20. I am certainly praying for you. As many have already said, time can heal wounds, but with hurts in my life, I find that when memories come, I must run to God with them. If I let those thoughts linger too long, I get trapped and am not free. Prayer, praise, thanksgiving for the good things in life, always get my thinking back where it should be. I also have found that lack of forgiveness causes the pain to last longer and hurt more. It doesn’t come naturally! Jesus endured abuse, even death, for every last one of us, so we could someday be totally free of all the hurts and wrongs of this life. He knows your heart; share it with him so he can heal you! Much love to you!

  21. As someone who has had a hard time letting go of past dreams and relationships I can relate to the torture your soul is feeling. Its easy to get stuck in the thought of “what-if” and our mind romanticizes the good times and conveniently or deliberately tries to justify the things that were less than perfect or in some cases downright awful.

    My best advice you probably have already heard. Try and enjoy each day and have faith that the future holds something just as bright or brighter. Try to laugh each day and remind yourself of all the great things in your life. i I know this is easier said than done as I still have times where I lapse into thinking about the past too much but I feel these days are fewer and fewer.

    I guess I don’t have a magical answer but I hope the violent swings of emotions in your soul find a calmer sea in which to continue their journey. Stay strong! You are obviously loved by many most of all by your sob I’m sure and your writing is an ispiration to others.

  22. Your posts are full of pain, anxiety, and sadness.I was in your situation a few years ago. The emotional pain was so intense that I would have rather have had physical pain because that could medically be healed. You are a strong woman and there is a reason you left. Remembering the good times makes the pain worse and you do not deserve that. He does not deserve your pain, you deserve your healing. I know we have never met, but just know that you are not alone. If blogging helps your healing, by all means, do not stop! You are an inspiration to others enduring such a difficult time.

  23. You are on the right path. Acknowledging the fact that you can’t move on is a good way. your subconcious is now telling you that you are ready. We are cheering for you. Believe in yourself, cry and pray. Pray for forgiveness, pray for strength.

  24. Feel everything you are. I try to think of it like the body healing. Sometimes wounds just flat out hurt. Sooner or later it is less. Then less. Then all that is left are scars which we don’t really feel at all, but we remember & see how much stronger we are. (Seriously scar tissue is some TOUGH stuff!)

    Don’t expect to be happy or fall in love. Just fall in love with you. Find something that you can do that makes you happy. All will work out fine. Sooner or later you will be better & ready to open up again.

  25. I don’t know the answer for you, but I’ve been so moved by your blog today and from what I’ve seen, you have the strength and will find the answers. It may not always feel like it, but it’s obvious to me in what and how you write. You’ll get there!

  26. Unfortunately, these feelings are common 😦 I don’t have a good answer but all I can recommend is doing your best to surround yourself with positive and loving people, tose so won’t judge you. Timing is everything and once you are completely happy with the life you are living and all that you are, you will be healed. And if it means seeking professioanl help (therapy) in order to talk to a neutral party, you wouldn’t be alone on that path either. Sending you all the strength and healing you can possibly handle!

  27. Simply take one step today. And then take another step tomorrow. And then again and again and again… until one day you turn around and you no longer see immediately behind the chains that once held your heart. Just take one step… today. That is all you need to do. God bless you as you find your way.

  28. Reblogged this on Free from abuse and commented:
    I have the same struggles. It’s supposed to get easier to move on. I am finding it harder.

  29. I do not have a similar experience, and really am in over my head, but your post sounded so sad.

    I found your blog by accident and have been following since. I think you made a good and courageous choice, the right choice, but your heart still belonged to the loon for a while. It’s hard to cut that piece of your heart out and move on. There will probably always be regrets and what ifs.

    From the way I believe, it would only be Jesus the Savior who could free you and help you heal completely. He promises to be with us, to fill us, and never leave us. It is He who brings ultimate healing. It’s simple to accept his help, just simply ask for it. There’s no obligation, no set of rules to follow, you just ask him to be your savior and believe that he is the son of God who died for your shortcomings and came back to life.

  30. Hello! Just wanted to let you know I’ve nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger award. You can find more details at my blog, bipolarbetty2. Thanks for creating a great blog! (And sorry about the informal mass notification, you can delete this comment if you’d like.) Have a great day!

  31. You are like me, you want a logical plan of action and a time frame to follow which will end in the expected result you have planned. Sorry… emotions don’t work that way unfortunately. 😦 I can give you a lot of helpful information how I managed to heal my heart and it all had to do with focussing on myself. Something which did help me a little was reading in a psychology book that a case of emotional trauma, if you are working hard with counselling and self reflection etc (which you are by the way, from your posts), takes no less than 2 years before you can truly say you are healed to a point of being able to function properly again as an emotional human being. So, don’t worry until you’ve been working hard at it for that long. Obviously, if a person is only wallowing and not really working on changing their inner ‘self talk’ during that time, then the time scale is longer. Hug… keep soldiering on. You WILL get there. I can almost promise.

  32. I’ve been thinking of you since you wrote this!! Can you picture yourself giving another the advice you need, if they were in this situation? It’s easy for us on the outside to think NOOOOOOOOOOO, stop it, sheer madness! but we are not you. ‘Trust the voice within’. I’m sorry I have nothing useful to add but love. I do agree though with the comment about finding another – another man or another interest or another anything that absorbs you and fills the vacuum. For that’s all it is. You know he’s not going to bring you anything you want and could bring a whole lot more that you don’t want, risking your sanity and safety. Hugs

  33. You are so far from alone in this, as I can see by the many responses I have read. I too was where you are now not so long ago. I loved a man with all of my heart and found it very hard to let go, even though he’d been able to do just that himself. Time is a factor in healing, but so is having the determination and will to get past this. Also, it helps to have a good support system, people to talk to and hang out with who will be there for you, encourage you, lift you up, remind you that you’re strong and can get through this. It’s really hard to let go when you have loved someone with your whole heart, but sometimes it just needs to be done so that you can continue living life and enjoying it to its fullest. I know I don’t really know you, but if you ever need a sounding board, I am here to listen. Keep your chin up, things will get better! 🙂

  34. its so easy for me, who really has nothing (much) to axually feel deprest about, to get that way! when i hear about lame-brained ethically-bypast MEN beatin’ women (& others); cruelty to animals; the oceans being over-fished; many species being extinctified … all i can HOPE (passionately) is that THIS MUST ALL END. it must, eventually, ’cause the proverbial “or else” will be un-necessarily verrry interesting.

  35. Hello! I wanted to nominate you for The Very Inspiring Blogger Award! Go to http://ramblingsofabipolarwoman.wordpress.com/2013/02/09/i-have-been-nominated-for-a-very-inspiring-blogger-award/ for rules and a list of nominees, including yourself! 🙂

    Keep writing, I really do enjoy reading what you have to say!
    Carissa

  36. I love your blog, you’re story, you’re so inspiring. Which is why I had to nominate you for the Shine On Award, I know you’ve probably been nominated many times but you deserve it! 😀 http://divinerush.wordpress.com/2013/02/17/the-shine-on-award-tkmorin/ Cheers hun, wishing you only happiness & joy.

  37. Time. That is the only suggestion. These things take time. Be well.

  38. Human beings are very good at destroying things, then surviving. When I’ve benn in the heartbreak situation, i’d just focus on surviving.. baby steps until it didn’t hurt so much. Years later I’m grateful for all of those bitter sweet memories.

  39. I remember that feeling…the heart is lost, it wants to continue loving the man that you spent all your time, love, and devotion on. Suddenly your brain tells you that you can’t take the abuse anymore and what is your heart to do? I can tell you this..,you will love again. I do know that for a fact ..being three years out. (((Hugs)))) from one survivor to another. …and thanks for finding my blog! 🙂

  40. Ummm, I think I’ve listened to that song 459 times since I first heard it. I keep thinking the same thing as you. Why I tourture myself and keep listening to it, I don’t know.

  41. there are people like my niece, who continually (so far) makes “the wrong choice”, gets out of it, goes back, that should spend more time on sites/blogs like yours. (sigh)

  42. You are free – to live whatever life you want. dont look back in 20 years filled with regrets. draw a line on this part of your life. you are much stronger than you reallise

    • Please could i add.. the most important thing is the small life you have brought into this World and hopefully with help maybe from other people to overcome whatever demons are causing the problems or working on issues by yourself – you can both be the best parents for your child. everyone has problems in some shape or another, dont be afraid to ask for help – both of you

  43. “How does one close the door, heal the heart, and move on to the next chapter in their life?”

    Honey, if I had an easy answer to that question, I’d be a bazillionaire. But in my own experience, it just takes time, and you have to allow yourself to feel the pain and work through it. Don’t deny it. Allow it, and it will eventually pass, and you’ll heal.

    And here’s the best advice I ever heard: “The only way to stop something is to stop.” Sounds simple, but it’s not. It takes energy to do this. Like in physics…

    The first law of motion is that an object in motion will continue in that direction unless acted upon by an outside force. Just as you have to add energy to an object to turn left instead of going straight, you also have to add energy to yourself and your relationship dynamic in order to change it. Stop engaging him. Stop allowing him to get to you. Stop the pattern. Add energy to your own life and have the courage to turn left.

    Best wishes ❤

  44. Congratulations on such a fine performance!
    You’ve just been nominated as a Very Inspiring Blogger. Please accept your award at:
    http://freelittlewords.wordpress.com/2013/03/03/i-love-bloggers-awards-act-two/
    Cue the applause…..
    Love and hugs, Kelly.

  45. For me God, time, knowing that my boys deserved a better life.

  46. Where are you? I hope you are OK????? Look how many people have responded. It’s not like you to be so quiet and not get back to them. Wishing you acceptance of all that is, including your current situation, so that ‘your crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house…. may be clearing you out for some new delight’ – Rumi

    • Joy is now: Thank you dearly for your concern! Honestly that means the world to me to know that I have a friend out there following my blog, hearing my voice, and truly seems concerned for my well being. So therefore to fill you in… My mind has been a mushy mess overflowing with racing thoughts of who knows what. I have been unable to verbalize what is going on in and around my world. I have been desperately trying to create balance in my life. As a single mom I often struggle to find me time in a world with very little down time. If I am blogging most likely my sleep is suffering. This past month I have been lost in thought, and trying to find the magical equation that will bring eternal peace and balance. In addition I did a little vacationing, and I was recently promoted at work. Again a BIG thank you for your care and support!! Hugs

  47. Thank you for visiting my blog today. I appreciate the time you took to stop by. May your day be filled with joy and peace.
    BE ENCOURAGED! BE BLESSED!

  48. You left him, didn’t you? You recognized the signs of a bad situation, empowered yourself to make difficult choices, you are now writing about it and helping others as you grow past that phase of your life, sounds like you are already on your way to healing! I hope you continue to speak your truth and seek more happiness, support, love and understanding for yourself and your little one. You are an amazingly strong and resourceful woman with so much beauty in store!!

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