Prego and the Loon

TOP 10 Reasons People Stay in an Abusive Relationship

In Family on November 28, 2012 at 5:57 am

1) Low self-esteem… I presented low self esteem as number one because your fate begins with yourself and how you choose to see yourself. The choices you make, the character you display, and the the path you walk along are all a reflection of how you feel about yourself and what you think you deserve in life. If you want to be happy then take it because it’s yours to have. If you want a loving relationship then start by loving yourself, and the rest will fall into place. Anything you dream of or desire is all within arms reach. Create the reality you deserve!

2) Normality… Upbringing plays a big role in the area of normality. Some people find themselves in an abusive relationship because it is familiar, possibly even somewhat comfortable for them. It tends to mirror the household they might have been raised in. You can’t pick your family, but you can choose the amount of time you wish to spend with them. No one derserves abuse, and you can choose to break the cycle of violence for you and your children.

3) Shelter… If I leave him where will I go?

4) Pride… Some ladies have told me that they remained in an abusive relationship because they did not want to look or feel like a failure. Just remember that if you choose to remain in an abusive relationship the only thing your friends and family will be looking at is a coffin with your name on it!

5) Financial Status… We get married, we merge bank accounts, and now we are financially tied. When money enters the picture anything is possible for better or worse. No financial display of affection is worth putting yourself in a dangerous situation.

6) Family ties… I am a BIG believer in family… family time, family fun, family reunions, and overall family togetherness. On another note I would like to say that I don’t believe in divorce, but sometimes life experiences test your values and your viewpoint on a matter may shift. When children are involved in a domestic violence situation I personally feel it is a no brainer… SAVE the babies!!

7) Denial… Some people are not ready to admit to themselves and those around them the truth or reality of the situation. Once a problem is truly recognized people then feel obligated to follow through, and do something about it. Many people are not ready to move in that direction. In fact they could still be in shock and awe from the overall situation. Domestic violence is a lot to swallow, and it doesn’t just occur over night. Remember victims fell in love with their abuser for a reason.

8) Religion… I am no expert on religion, but many ladies have told me that they stayed in an abusive relationship due to their religion.

9) Love… I fell in LOVE with my Ex husband for many reasons, and it was extremely difficult to walk away. He wasn’t always evil, and still to this day I do believe he’s not all bad. Unfortunately a few wires crossed over time. Hurtful words were expressed, and angry fists of rage displayed on more than one occasion.

10) Fear… Walking away from a man or woman you love or once loved is the hardest thing in the world. Fear of the unknown is even scarier. Many thoughts ran through my head during the process of leaving… Where will I live? What will I do for work? How will I provide for myself and my child? How will I afford daycare? Will I be safe? Will more harm come to me if I leave? How will things play out? Frankly I don’t know the answers to these questions. I do know that if you choose to stay you are enabling your significant other, and I imagine more harm will come to you.

The web we weave…

If you are in an abusive relationship why do you choose to stay? If you ever have been in an abusive relationship, and chose to leave… what was the reasoning? We have choices in this world, and some are easier than others. Whatever your reasons are, and your choices may be… remember that it is you that has to live with your decisions. So choose wisely for yourself and possibly your children… and remember, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.” -Semisonic

  1. I love your courage for starting this blog and believe your strength is incredible by sharing your story, however, I have to disagree with number 1 and see danger in saying low self esteem is a reason (at least your description) I do believe that in an abusive relationship the abuser belittles and demeans the victim and that can create low self esteem. Reading this post i also feel a lot of victim-blaming going on.. putting a lot of pressure on the victim to leave and having that be their responsibility versus blaming the abuser for the violence.

    • You have me thinking… I highly agree with what you said in regards to self esteem. “I do believe that in an abusive relationship the abuser belittles and demeans the victim and that can create low self esteem.” In regards to victim blaming that is definitely not my intention. I am just trying to make people realize that they hold the key to their future. I’m not saying it is easy, but I am saying it’s possible and the choice is up to each individual. I do not mention the abuser in this piece because frankly he (or she) is not worth my time! I do still strongly believe number one should be self esteem. Any suggestions how to rephrase it to help empower the individual?

    • The problem with claiming the something is victim blaming, is that it almost never is. What people who cry VICTIM BLAMING about rape or abuse victims fail to realise is that bad people cannot be reasoned with. Their actions are wrong and undeserved, but they won’t change. Someone with the potential to modify their behaviour is the one who is spoken to.

      • When any person states that it is the victim’s fault for the abuse because they did not leave, because of what they wore, said, drank, time of day that it happened, etc it most certainly is victim-blaming. I am not saying all abusers can change (definitely not without an intervention) but I am saying that we should put blame where it is supposed to be: on the person committing the violence, they make the choice to do this. By forcing people to do something they may not be ready to do (leave, press charges, etc) we ourselves are guilty of taking control and power away from them and committing the same violence as the perpetrator.

  2. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep and yep…

  3. Thank you for hearing me out. Well from those who work in the field with survivors, it seems financial reason is actually number 1 (but that is technical stuff). We do know that the abuser takes power and control away form the victim so we want to restore it and I do see how saying that it is up to the victim to make those choices sounds empowering yet I believe we should offer options to victims and let them make their own decisions when they are ready versus when we think they should be. I think someone acting when they are ready is the most empowering thing. Even if one would like it to end after the “first” abusive incident.

  4. Very well-done post. You phrased number 1 very well also. A person can blame the abuser all they want, but that’s not going to change the abuser. We can’t control what another person does or doesn’t do–we can only make changes for ourselves. Very intuitive post–thanks for sharing!

  5. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I’m glad you were strong enough to walk away. I wish more people knew your story; instead we get to hear about Rihanna and Chris Brown. 😦 I wonder why she’s staying with him?

  6. A well written post and coming from someone who actually experienced it, no one else could pen it down better. I am really sorry you had to go through all that. And cheers to you for taking a brave step and sharing it with others.
    I know few people who are very close to me who are staying in the abusive relationship just for the sake of their Children.

  7. “The choices you make, the character you display, and the the path you walk along are all a reflection of how you feel about yourself and what you think you deserve in life. If you want to be happy then take it because it’s yours to have.”

    I couldn’t agree more with what you have said in those two sentences I have quoted above. It’s all in our hands, even more so in the most desperate of situations.

    Insightful post!

  8. I can think of one big reason. Fear.

    I did not want to walk back into my parents’ house with two babies in tow. I had a college degree. They had put me through school. They had given me so much. I didn’t want to let them down.

    Don’t under-estimate the power of verbal abuse, and threats. My ex-husband threatened that if I ever ‘brought the law’ into our relationship, he’d ruin my life. Not just ruin it- destroy everything I had ever worked for, and tried to build up. Destroy the future I was trying to make for my, for our, children. I didn’t believe in divorce either. But internally, the misery was eating me alive, and I was taking those self-destructive habits out on myself. He kept us off-balance, always in poverty, always digging deeper and deeper into debt. This was the pattern not only of him, but his entire family. Don’t forget, abusers don’t act alone, they have people who they run to, who harbor them, who help them and take what they say at face value. They are also repeating patterns they grew up watching themselves.

    I have been publicly humiliated, shamed, and faced fighting-dog attorneys on the witness stand, over and over and over, probably more than thirty times now between the divorce, criminal, and civil trials. I have been treated as a hostile witness. What I have finally done, again and again and again, is raised my right hand, looked everyone dead in the eye, not shaken in my resolve, and told the TRUTH.

    In a sense, the victim is not really the victim. We need to speak a little more clearly about what is going on here. When someone gets stomped down every miserable day of their lives, their spirits can become broken. It takes a lot of courage and fortitude to face up to what he might to to you, to follow up on those threats. I was lucky. Very lucky. He was a terrible shot, and though he is pretty much stone crazy, he goes hunting every year and never brings anything dead out of the woods. I was able to disarm him.

    The battle is still going on, five years later. My eldest daughter, now sixteen, wants to become emancipated. I can’t blame her. My youngest daughter is thirteen, and trying to figure out who and where she fits in this world, and in this family. My son, at age six, has a lightning blaze of intelligence, and already the skills of a mini UN diplomat.

    We are working to make things better. For me, that means not inter-acting with my ex-husband. It means setting firm boundaries with my second husband, telling him that he will never understand what my girls have been through. It’s my job, and mine alone, to discipline and raise them the rest of the way. My son loves his step father, and does not have the horrible memories that his sisters have. I felt like I was conned, but I never, not ever, regretted having my children. They are amazing, intelligent, beautiful, artistic, and spirited.

    What I want for them, more than anything, to be free to live their lives, and to love, truly love, freely.

    ~Laura Levesque

  9. Many of us also develop mental health disorders including Borderline Personality Disorder which suggest along with Asperger syndrome that we stay in these relationships because we are not able to pick up the cues’s that most normal people would.

  10. I’ve been thinking about this sort of thing for a while now.

    My wife was in an abusive relationship before we got married; I knew her at the time, but she was with a different guy. A friend of mine just left her husband because he was abusive. My little sister just got out of an abusive relationship, and it took her weeks to even recognize that it was abuse.

    None of the three of them are weak women. They’re all very strong, confident, intelligent women. It scares me that girls like them could end up in and stay with an abusive relationship.

    • Such relationships aren’t based on logic. My daughter’s uncle and step-father keep saying she is too smart to stay with her abuser. That’s also what so many victims of financial scams say about themselves. Maybe my daughter thinks she’s strong enough to withstand and even rescue him! Abusers can seem so charming and so protective, just like con men, and abuse can start so slowly.

      • With each post I will continue to write more in depth… but for now please know that my ex-husband was charming, and things began slowly over time. Before you know it you are stuck in a marriage with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with a precious newborn baby on the way. You feel trapped with a mix of emotions swirling through your head… The family you wanted and the psycho you definitely need to leave!

    • A BIG thanks for reblogging this post! I speak from my own personal experience. The topic has become a bit controversial, and I would love to hear further opinions. Again thanks for your support, and helping spread awareness regarding a very important topic!

  11. Sometimes absent physical abuse when a person lives an isolated life — not exposed to happy people or healthy couples, a person may not have a true sense of normalcy or what is abnormal. Dysfunctional relationships and victims of abuse need exposure to be exposed, even to themselves. I remember some comedian’s monologue saying how he had dinner at someone else’s house and something with the dinner wasn’t quite right and the guy said, “Whoa I bet your mom will get a beat down for that.” He had no idea that wasn’t everybody’s response to burnt toast. So, I think isolation can be a cause as well.

  12. Great post!
    Low self-esteem was definately my problem followed by fear of what he might do if I finally left him for good.

    Why did I choose to stay? Because I wanted to prove to him that I was NOT a cold hearted and selfish bitch, as he would try and blame me, and that I was NOT at fault!

    Why did I chose to leave? Because I realised that he would never ever change, regardless of how much he would promise and no matter how many more chances I would give him.

    It took me nine months and about 11 reconsiderations and chances and three trial breaks unitl i decided I had to get out of it for good. The worst time was the time after I had decided to not give him any more chances. That was when his downgrading insults turned into violent threats.

    I can only faintly imagine what it must be like to be married and have children with someone like this and to spend my whole life like that…try and get away as quickly and safely as you can!

    Love
    Anna

    • “It took me nine months and about 11 reconsiderations and chances and three trial breaks unitl i decided I had to get out of it for good. The worst time was the time after I had decided to not give him any more chances. That was when his downgrading insults turned into violent threats. ”
      I am on the sidelines, waiting while my daughter goes through this. How did your parents cope?

      • My parents were very supportive… They patiently waited for me to make my own choices although they did offer suggestions along the way in a very gentle manner. If I remember correctly my mom and I spent many nights crying together, LOL! I will say portions of that time period are a blur… maybe I don’t remember, maybe I chose to block them out, or maybe I was already running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I mean let’s not forget I was pregnant, dodging violent acts of terror, and creatively trying to figure how I was going to support my child and I seeing that I just left my job amongst all the chaos.

      • Hey, I live in another country to my mom and my father is not part of my life. I didn’t want to worry my mom so I only indicated afterwards a few things that had happened over the year. Maybe I would have realised earlier to get out of it if I had confided in her, or would maybe even have felt more secure if she would have been closer. Honestly, I felt it was my fault for being in such a situation and it embarrassed me. I’m very independent and believed I would handle it.
        I wrote about the experience in my blog “My Quest for Love”, if you are interested.
        Does your daughter talk to you?
        Wishing you and your daughter all the best!
        Love
        Anna

      • I greatly appreciate your response to me. You sound very much like my daughter: independent, generally self-sufficient. And, two months ago, she and he moved out of state. I shall read your “Quest for Love Post” this weekend.

  13. I have not been in abusive relationships but I have had friends who have stayed in unhealthy relationships when it was clearly time to leave. Two of the factors that you mention, money and love, are huge. I’ve heard of many women staying because they literally cannot afford even a night in a hotel on their own. Often this comes after years of giving up control over their lives, finances, and livelihoods.

    And the love part…I think that many women can look back on some of the magical times early on in their relationship and believe that if they just work hard enough, maybe they can get back to that place. Sometimes though, that place is not real. It’s a facade.

    I’m glad that you keep this blog. I hope that it helps other people. I’m sure it helps you to be able to sort everything out and get such positive feedback from your readers. I hope that you are well, and taking good care of yourself.

    • I mentioned many reasons that people choose to stay in an abusive relationship. Although I believe I failed to touched on the reasonings why I choose to stay as long as I did. I mention it here because you pinpointed one of my thoughts exactly… I often remember magical moments followed by TONS of silliness, and it is difficult to see the true monster behind the mask. He was not always bad, and I did fall in love with him for many reasons. Unfortunately the magic faded, and I was left with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

    • “Sometimes though, that place is not real. It’s a facade.” __First meeting, dating, and the early stages of a marriage is all about all the good things written on these comments. I see comments here pro/con about religion. Truth is truth. Until we love others, as much as we love ourselves, or even more so, our deficit behaviors will eat away and tarnish all the shine both exhibit for a while, for a season, for a reason.

  14. I completely agree with self esteem being the number one reason why people stay in abusive relationships. And, I completely disagree that it is a form a victim blaming. I would say that the majority of the time (if not ALL the time), people know they are in an abusive relationship, and they know they should get out. But they don’t. My own experience, which I blogged about (http://crankygiraffe.wordpress.com/2012/11/13/the-instant-i-was-broken/) was not an initial incident. Albeit, it was the first legitimate “rape” that took place. I knew before that moment that he was not good for me and that what he did to me was wrong. We weren’t married, we weren’t financially tied to each other, we had no kids together… but I didn’t think I could do any better than him. I stayed with him because it was better than being alone, and at least someone loved me, right? It’ all about self-esteem, if you ask me.

    My comment here was a lot longer, but I’ve decided to blog about it myself… stay tuned for the pingback…

  15. It is alot different when the roles are reversed. My dad was more violent than my wife (we are getting divorced), so I could take the bruises and such. Once though our 5 year old daughter decided she was going to protect daddy from getting hit. That was the one time I got scared. I knew her mom would not hit her on purpose, but she was in one of her spells. I couldn’t run, I tried to push our daughter away but she was not leaving daddy. The only thing I could do was to envelope our daughter with my back to her mother and wait for her mother to run out of steam. It is not like these other cases. We had a tradgic event, I got through as good as anyone can I guess, she turned her pain onto me. She is not like that normally. I have been told losing a child makes your marriage stronger or breaks it up … I don’t know about the stronger part, but I am so glad we still have our younger daughter she makes everything worth it.

    • Thank you for pointing out that domestic violence goes both ways. I’ll admit, in my first serious relationship, the abuse was more verbal than physical, but I did get my share of bruises, cuts, and scrapes. I think it’s actually harder for men to admit that they are the victim of abuse at a woman’s hand. It’s asynchronous with social norms and stereotypes. Men beat, rape, abuse women; it can’t possibly go the other way. But, the sad fact is, it does.
      In a society where women are still considered the weaker sex, I felt castrated and ashamed to tell others that, yes, I was being abused. In a way, this largely ties in with #4 above, pride; but for a man, I think, it’s more than losing face. It’s about failing to meet social expectations (that men are strong, that we can,as you said, “take the bruises,” that it isn’t right for men to show fear or to cry).
      For a long time after I finally broke the relationship off, I swear I could hear everyone’s thoughts. Words that I won’t mention here — but are basically akin to saying I was weak, less than a man, etc. — constantly bombarded me, even though I don’t think anyone actually said them. For a while, I think I was more insecure than when I was in the relationship. It took months and months before I could look myself in the mirror and say, “This was not your fault. You are not less of a person because of it.”
      Even now, over a decade later, I sometimes have to repeat those thoughts to myself. It really makes me wonder if the emotional scars ever disappear.

      • I’m not as doctor, but you sound to me like you are doing good.. Maybe there is always something in the back of your mind. It has been almost nine years since my oldest daughter died in my arms. I feel as if I am doing great and then I see my daughter on the playground with a girl that has long blond hair about the same age her older sister would have been and it all comes back. As for the abuse, the hardest thing for me is the feeling I have no one to go to. Appearently in Ohio the law enforcement and court systems have not figured out yet that anyone can be an abuser. When they find out that I am the one asking for help they say “well ya that is probably illegal, we can’t do anything about it you need to call a lawyer.” I had an off duty cop tell me (off the record), that if law enforcement showed up I would be treated like the abuser and arrested. He said I would havve to prove in court that I was the victum. His advice was to get away from her. I really do not believe that is who she really is, she never did anything like this until we lost our oldest daughter. I want the divorce, but I wish I could help her some how. Obviously the Franklin county sherrif’s office and 911 dispatchers won’t be any help.
        Like I said before you sound like you are doing good. Just keep moving forward, and on the bad days remind yourself the problem was not your’s it was his’.

      • combs2jc:

        Sadly, as a resident of Ohio, I am familiar with the domestic violence laws. It’s funny — in a sick, twisted sort of way — that you or I could be the one’s bleeding, and we have to prove we’re the victim of the abuse.
        I’m sorry you lost your daughter; I’m also sorry you’ve lost your wife because of the ordeal. I can’t say I understand what you or she is going through, but I will say that I can imagine the stress, and distress, you must both feel. Even after all these years.
        I lost a very close friend 6 years ago– one that was, as far as I considered him, a younger brother. The pain is still with me, especially at this time of year, as his birthday approaches. He would have turned 22 on December 28.
        Have you or your wife tried grief counseling? I don’t want to stir the pot, but it is obvious that she has suffered a serious trauma as a result of your daughter’s death, and you are/were the unfortunate target. I’m not prying, nor would I want to, but it seems that there are some unanswered questions — or misplaced blame? — that has caused your wife to change in this way.
        Thank you for your encouragement, and also for sharing a bit of your story with me.

  16. For my mom I think it was religion. The reverend actually told her she’d burn for eternity if she left him. Plus I think she loved him too.

    • Wow… I’m speechless… I can’t believe people actually say those things! I like to think that religion of any sort is a group of organized people that overall strongly believe in the “Golden Rule… Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Although clearly by your statement I’m beginning to rethink my thoughts on organized religion. Thank you for sharing, and glad you popped in again!

      • It’s why I consider myself an agnostic atheist. Maybe there is a creator out there, but I can’t believe it is so hateful. I don’t disbelieve in god(s) but I don’t believe either. I believe in science and facts and reasonable hypothesis. I guess I can thank “religion” for this awakening.

        Surprisingly, I am considered “immoral”. According to many people, I am less than human as I don’t believe in “god”. Whatever. If someone who doesn’t believe in defending child rapists wearing white collars is immoral while someone who believes the earth was created 6000 years ago is, I guess I am eternally (quite literally) damned.

        But that is not to say I disbelieve the possibility. I’m “agnostic” which means I just don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong? I only hold those who have true belief in the highest regard. I truly wish I could have their faith. How comforting it must feel to have the belief that you are going to paradise after all this is over.

        But yes, my mother was abused physically. She was promised eternal damnation in hell for leaving my father. I’m glad she left him. God bless her immortal soul.

      • I was a devout Christian, conservative protestant variety, which involved 6 churches in 5 states over a 30 year period. For 20 of that, I was married to a mostly psychologically/emotionally abusive “Christian” husband. The scripture and religious doctrine I have been taught and quoted, paired with an apparent sense of entitled ignorance about real-life issues (especially when they challenge the preferred doctrines, such as “if you have enough faith….”) has been very destructive, and effectively dissolved my backbone as I agonized about whether leaving was the right option. I have heard “you need to have more faith,” “pray,” “your prayers aren’t answered because of sin in your own life,” “God hates divorce,” “submit to your husband and God will protect you,” “fear is not of God,” “fear is sin,” and “the Word of God contains all you need to know to live your life.” Etc. Never did I hear, “take care of yourself,” “love yourself,” or “here are ways to stay sane.” I did leave, 12 years ago. Part of moving on for me now is avoiding religious double-talk, listening to people (such as you) who express a reality that “rings true,” and trying to respectfully explain to others how such religious/scriptural ideas translate into real-life when one is being abused (such as, “submit” means “shut up and put up.”). Oh, yes, and to construct my own, non-abusive, faith. I stayed to not let God down, to protect my kids from being with my ex alone, finances, hope, love, and fear of the unknown.

  17. I am glad you began the list with self. Everything begins from this point. It may not make everything easier but it does create the possibility for all other changes.

  18. […] This morning I read Prego and the Loon’s post, TOP 10 Reasons People Stay in and Abusive Relationship. […]

  19. I agree with so many things you’ve said. For myself, I was with my son’s father not for financial reasons, but because he broke me (which I’m sure is technically the number one reason women stay). I had great self-esteem when I met him, and he didn’t. He had to break me slowly and steadily, to have power over me. He was the most verbally and emotionally abusive man I had ever been with.

    I eventually reached a point in my life after my son was almost 2 to leave. I wanted to bring up my son and give him the love they way it should be given. I didn’t want my son to learn, that is how you treat a woman and that is how a woman should treat a man. I learned to love myself again and my little man is growing up to be exactly what a good man should be about!

    And as a result, his father and myself are civil and better for it! Thank you for being brave and sharing your story and experiences with us! Best to you love!

  20. You are a wonderful and brave person. Your openness is refreshing and you help so many. may love come your way.

  21. I stayed longer than I should have because I thought I would get better, and I thought I could help them realize they were a better person. It didn’t get better so I tried harder. I felt like a failure when I broke up with him because I couldn’t make it work, but I had to get out before it took over my life… it was also very liberating getting him out of my life.

  22. You’ve made some excellent points here…:)

  23. Excellent post and info. Would you mind if we reposted this on our site?

    • Thank you for your support! I think this is a very important topic that often gets swept under the rug, and I am always THRILLED to see that someone is helping to spread awareness by reblogging my work!

  24. Two things I learned in ‘Imago’ (Image) therapy (IT) 1. sometimes their are no good choice– just choices. 2. we pick partners that mirror, not necessarily perfectly, but have some semblance to the significant others in our childhood. Both parties have the trigger keys for others healing. Choosing to share those keys is the issue. IT was my late stage contribution trying to salvage a relationship of more than twenty years.

    There is no excuse for violence, physical or verbal. Our marriage was not saved and I accept the outcome. My ex-wife for several years had no intent on couple counseling. It took three years before I agreed to her insistance on a 1 year seperation, with her offering it was not a road map to divorce. Knowing the state laws, no contest divorce, at the end of one year I received the offical filings for divorce.

    I cried to no end at a families home of a close friend for hours. My final and last plea to her one night, in the home where we were raising two adopted sons was; “Please hug me and I will leave.” She relunctantly finally hugged me and I left Green Valley Road, never to visit again.

    My ex-wife, for several years was seeing a physciatrist, attending an all women’s group therapy group, and massage therapist. In subsequent years I learned of the toll of the emotional abandonment of the mom, and possilbe but not confirmed sexual abuse of her
    philandering dad.

    Two personaul consoulations: 1. The Imago therapist said you didn’t have to be the same as her dad, just have so triggers. He was a successful lawyer and I certainly can do public speaking to give an idea about mirror imaging. 2. My ex-wife wrote a letter and said; “You were a good father to our sons.”

    Imago Therapy, although it was introduced at the very tail end of our relationship helped me to understand better my life from childhood to this day. When we meet an Imago mate, thousands of bits of information is processed by our subconscious mind we are completely unaware of. Just as dreams are visual images related to our conscious daily living, our eyes feed this powerful we are often out of step with in some way. Thanks for opening the door for this expression.

    My ex-wife is a wonderful women, we just did not mutually exchange the keys. A Tango without a partner is no Tango at all…..

  25. I know with me it was many of the things listed above including the ol’ saying “the hell you know is better than the hell you don’t know”….looking back that was about the dumbest thing I have ever said to myself

  26. I always wondered why most women stay with their abusers. Thank you for this blog post! makes sense, but I do hope that many more women will decide to leave their abusers and start LIVING THEIR lives!

  27. Hey you. I stayed with him because I thought it was normal. I thought that was just the way it was. I expected nothing more. I deserved it. It was my fault. I had it coming. If i just shut up………………….but then he did it for me.
    I bet you didn’t see that one coming did you ? Neither did I.

  28. Reblogged this on Crap&Giggles and commented:
    “If you want to be happy then take it because it’s yours to have… Anything you dream of or desire is all within arms reach. Create the reality you deserve!”
    This article is really about reasons why people remain in abusive relationships–but I don’t really have experience in this. However, the above quoted spoke to me from a different perspective:
    Lots of people are unhappy. Lots of people are even GREATLY unhappy. They don’t know what to do to change that, but really do want to be happy (seriously, who wants to be sad or upset all the time?) Essentially, then, the solution is simple (though far easier said than done): BE HAPPY
    Start finding things that make you smile, think about all the things you’ve ever wanted and do them. Try and think of the good things everywhere and outshine the shadows in your life. Fool yourself into thinking you believe in fairies and clap to keep them alive.
    Like I said, faaar easier said than done. But why not? The alternative is far more dreary.

  29. Great post. I was in an abusive marriage for 5 years, with him for 7. He only hit me 3 or 4 times while we were married, but he was so good with the other types of abusive. After years of verbal, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse I was completely broken. Of course to the outside world he was a great guy, but behind closed doors he turned into a monster. I was thinking of leaving him and found out I was pregnant. That day I shed tears of sorrow. I wanted a baby more than anything, but I didn’t want to be with him and now I was trapped. The abuse didn’t stop during the pregnancy and got worse after our son was born. Now he had competition. I couldn’t wait on him hand and foot anymore. When my son was 9 weeks old, I told my abusive husband to leave. My son gave me the strength I needed to start a new life for myself, one without abuse. I didn’t want to raise my son in a house filled with tears, shouting, and angry silence. My son is now 13. He is happy and a great kid. He used to see bio dad, but knows who he is and hasn’t seen him in about 6 months. Of course, my ex is playing the “poor me” card. But we all know the truth. Thanks for sharing.

    • I know your story all to well, and probably could have written this comment myself if you shortened the time frame and removed sexual abuse. I’m glad you found the strength and courage to leave for yourself and your child! If you weren’t out of that relationship it would greatly worry me that you said he ONLY hit me 3 or 4 times. I understand where you’re coming from, but remember you are priceless and no one should ever lay a hand on you! Incorporate this into your thoughts, your words, and your spirit… positive daily affirmations help to shape the beautiful person within each of us. Thank you for sharing your story and strength. As well as providing support and inspiration to myself, my followers, and those around you. I look forward to further interaction in the future… Hugs!

      • Thank you. As you may know, my blog is about loss of a parent, grief, healing, etc. Funny, my last post was “Everyone Has A Story” and of course my story is about my mom’s battle with pancreatic cancer and losing her. But people can have multiple stories that define their lives. I NEVER share this story, this part of my life, my 7 years with an abusive mate. It’s a story I wish never happened and would love to erase from my life. I kept the reality of my life behind closed doors hidden for my entire marriage from everyone, including my parents. They heard the briefest of details when I decided to get a divorce. I knew they couldn’t handle the full truth of what had happened. They told me they didn’t want to know the details but supported me in my decision to divorce. But what I experienced during those 7 years shaped who I am now, which is also the topic of my last post. Thank you for giving the the courage to share one of my other life stories through your blog. I look forward to further posts from you. Take care.

      • Don’t be too hard on yourself, or underestimate the support of friends and family. I understand wanting to delete a portion of your life, but also remember it creates the amazing person that you are today. Shine like the star you are, and grace everyone with the gifts you have learned throughout your years!

  30. This is one of the most critical subjects in our world today. I think it affects more so than we realize and I’m am glad to see someone, who’s been there addressing it in such a way. I also appreciate the way you seem to be going about it, not in bitterness, but trying to help others out.

    Domestic violence crossed my pathway when I met someone who had been a victim of it. I had never before consider it in a real way, but since then I became aware (for lack of a way to properly express the flooding of information and the increased sensitivity to it that I experienced.

    At any rate, I appreciate your efforts to bring this to light and help those who are involved in it.

    • Domestic violence is very difficult to understand if you have never been involved in such a situation. Honestly it is even difficult to comprehend if you have been in an abusive relationship. People typically think if you’re being abused THEN LEAVE the relationship. Even after being in a similar situation I find myself thinking the same thing at times. Personally I sacrificed a lot when leaving my ex-husband, but I am grateful for everything I have today… including my life and my child! It is not for everyone, and it is a difficult road that lies ahead. I will say that leaving is the hardest part, and life slowly improves over time.

      On a different note… This is an extremely important subject that affects every aspect of our society. It starts with the individuals themselves, and branches out from there. Those affected include: family, friends, co-workers, police, health care professionals, shelters, jails, courts, taxes, and overall society as a whole. You brought up an important point. Thanks for reading my blog, and providing your support!

  31. Thanks for following my blog. Your story is strong, thank you.

  32. When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. I agree that domestic violence is very difficult to understand unless one has been been involved personally. You are doing a great job bringing these issues to light.

    • ‘Doors’– as you use the word, would be images in Imago Therapy. Yes! When you meet an Imago mate (door) it is your sub-conscious that leads your conscious mind. When someone emphatically states; “I will never fall in love, or marry again, it is possilbe they have not yet met their Imago mate. 2, 5, 10, or even 20yrs later, when, if that person comes along– your former declarations will drift away and just maybe you will sail on that sea called love again….

  33. Keep the awareness going!

  34. […] her post, TOP 10 Reasons People Stay in an Abusive Relationship, she says: 9) Love… I fell in LOVE with my Ex husband for many reasons, and it was extremely […]

  35. Excellent post. Fear has so few letters, but endures so much.

  36. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship but I have been in relationships with and friends with people who have. It’s an amazingly disgustingly common thing to be honest. For anybody I knew who was in one the idea of having this dream of settling down with somebody after everything thats happened to you in your life kept them in it. There’s plenty of well paid , deceptively charming absolute control freaks out there who will take you on and give ya the house and the kids but at what price? I’m not saying that most people fall for this or that or survivors of abuse bring it on themselves but there’s a hell of a lot of men out there who construct a nice web to hide behind to abuse their partners and get away with it. It would make you sick thinking about it.

  37. […] violence, the author writes about “The top 10 Reasons People Stay in Abusive Relationships” (https://pregoandtheloon.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/top-10-reasons-people-stay-in-an-abusive-relationshi…) which I instantly decided to read as I am very involved in the movement against interpersonal […]

    • I’m interested to hear people’s point of view in regards to your post. Personally as a survivor of domestic violence, a victim who was strangled and beat while pregnant with my abusers child… I still strongly believe that self-esteem is number ONE! I imagine when time permits I will write a lengthy post further discussing my reasoning, although until then I am curious where your passion for this subject matter is rooted. Are you a victim of domestic violence, does it run in your family, or are you just out to HELP those in need? At the end of the day if we agree to disagree I am still thankful that you mean well… for a cause that many people sweep under the rug! Thanks for your support!

  38. Thank you for giving me the courage to face a difficult time. I mentioned you in my recent blog post as someone who brought that time back to me. I want to thank you for giving me the chance to reexamine a time in my life that was a bad experience. It helped me to realize how far I have come from being a scared girl on a bathroom floor to who I am today. It also helped to realize the good things that came from that time.

  39. “Pride… Some ladies have told me that they remained in an abusive relationship because they did not want to look or feel like a failure.” That’s true. Actually, the pride can make us be too selfish to maintain a relationship.

  40. Forgot one item in my reasons to stay when I commented earlier. I felt bad for my abuser – for deserting someone who was mentally ill with desertion issues.

  41. Thanks for the follow, your blog is inspiring me to write even more!!!
    I really liked this post, relationships are difficult reminding yourself why you are in one is always important. Have a great night 🙂

  42. I love this blog because it is filled with Truth. It was a great and enjoyable read.

  43. Wow.. thanks for sharing your story. Stay Strong. Hugz.

  44. Thanks for visiting my site so often. I have hesitated to respond. Your story is touching and my blog is hardly on par. I am glad you are able to discuss this subject. All the best.

  45. I am so happy you have written posts about this. It is such an important thing to understand the mind of an abused woman. I grew up in a household where my father used to physically abuse my mother and the mental abuse came from both sides. I noticed my very first relationship that I got into was with an emotionally abusive man and thank goodness I saw the pattern of my mothers choices and will never stray that way again. She still picks unloving men, and I think she comes from a few of those above reasons. She is a beautiful woman and sadly will never think that about herself. Thanks for sharing your story!

  46. Your blog is a window into a world new to me, mother of an adult daughter who has just embarked on this improbable journey. He probably reminds her of her dad (who divorced me & recently died), he charms her, rushes her, isolates her, & drains her. But because he does not hit, the abuse, emotional & financial, goes unrecognized. Maybe someday, she’ll find your blog. It helps me as much as the DA counselors I’ve spoken to. Patience is so hard for those of us who love our ‘victims’ yet must wait until they open to us.
    –da X mom

  47. This informative blog and the depth of the comments is worth a careful read. I will get to it when the dust settles around here. Meanwhile, thanks for liking my blog: A Berber Home.

  48. I think people can come to believe abuse is somehow deserved or normal.

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