Prego and the Loon

Reading May SAVE Your Life

In Self Help on October 29, 2012 at 4:16 am

This is my personal TOP 5 list of books to educate yourself on the topic of domestic violence, and help you to recover from the situation. Personally I would read them in the order listed below, although depending on where you’re at in the cycle you may choose to start elsewhere.

1) Why Does He Do That? by: Lundy Bancroft
As the cover further states this book takes you “Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” A well written book from an actual counselor who specializes in working with abusive men. This book educates you on how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship. I have often heard this book referred to as The BIBLE.

2) Safe And Unfound Escaping Your Abuser by: J.E. Taylor
This book is an excellent go to resource guide of everything you may need to know to escape and move on with your life.

3) The Gift Of Fear by: Gavin De Becker
The front cover further states “This book can save your life… and other survival signals that protect us from violence” Reading this empowering book may help you recognize the subtle signs of danger before it’s too late.

4) Codependent No More by: Melody Beattie
I read this book shortly after I left my Ex, and it helped me to rebuild my boundaries and move on with my life.

5) Courage To Change by: Al-Anon Family Groups
“The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems.”

These books truly helped me, and I am grateful to the various ladies that introduced them to me over time. I am also aware that there are many other books out there on the subject matter, and myself and I imagine my readers would love to hear further suggestions regarding this topic. Provide your thoughts and opinions, and you will be helping someone somewhere!

  1. I actually went to an al-anon meeting before.

  2. They can start off as charming as a new ring, however they can become very tarnished very quickly…. A great list of books you’ve suggested…

  3. Thankyou. I needed this.

  4. Thank you for following me. I got out of a marriage that started by being worshiped, then getting a hair tug, then a punch in the face, then a shotgun on me for what seemed like hours, shaking through the death threats. I can’t even believe I can talk so calmly about this. Okay, so it’s been 28 years, and I still have nightmares about seeing him again in my every day life, waking up with all those old feelings. I still see him from behind in way too many other men, and I have to wait for him to turn around to make sure it isn’t him. Even after therapy and marrying the kindest man 21 years ago. So, it really never ends. It does occur less and less as time goes by, but then something triggers the memories that will occupy my head when I thought they might be gone. For me, they will never, never go away. Unless you have been through it, you’ll never understand what it does to you. I’m glad you have your blog. And I’m glad I found you.

    • Thank you for opening up your heart, and sharing your personal story with me. Just like life… healing is a journey and takes time. Thanks for your support, and I look forward to further interactions!

  5. Beautiful writing, sad story……we run a foodbank and come up against stories like yours, have friends and one family member who have gone through this, I grew up in an abusive and controlling home too. It is all too often the case. Well done for surviving and making good choices to get away. Your blog will be a huge encouragement and spur to many I hope…thanks for the follow. Big hugs x

  6. A bunch of books one wishes no one would ever need, I enjoyed reading your blog. I see many similarities in it to parts of mine and will direct folks to yours as a resource. Keep up the good work.

  7. Oh, just got help from Courage to Change, and Melody Beattie– my fav of hers is Language of Letting Go.

  8. Thankyou for the follow.
    I think you are incredibly brave to blog about your experience, I have been through an all too similar experience in my life so I can appreciate the courage you’re showing with every blog. Although this person is in my past, he is constantly trying to force his way back into the present in one way or another, so I may very well have a look at some of the books you have suggested.

    • I don’t know how serious the situation is, but depending on the level you may want to start with… Safe And Unfound Escaping Your Abuser. This book helps you take all the precautionary measures to pretty much disappear… including how to change your name or maintain a secret address (Safe at Home Program). Either way all of them have great tips… thanks for taking the time to read!

  9. thanks … from one reader to another books are just great friends (kind of)

  10. Reblogged this on Combat Babe and commented:
    I was once subjected to a controlling, abusive relationship. My friend is now dating a guy who’s locked up for violating a restraining order put on him by the woman he abused and is still married to. He’s a complete snake in the grass and she’s oblivious to all the signs even when I go over them with her. I feel in my heart of hearts that we need to stand up for ourselves and know when to leave for our safety and the safety of those around us. If this only helps one person, I’ll feel as if I made a difference. I want to thank pregoandtheloon for not only this post, but for sharing her story.

  11. Fantastic resources. You are a crutch that so many more women need to know about. If I can work out how to, I will reblog this on my site!

  12. I gave “The Gift of Fear” to one of my friends after I finished it. Great info for everyone. People are animals, we are just supposed to dress better, but we all have instincts and can feel “bad vibes” from others. Being rational and sober helps. I purchased “Why Does He Do That” years ago and had not made time to read it after just about vowing never to date again. I just don’t trust most of the single men running around lose anymore!

  13. My life seriously changes after reading codependent no more. Excellent book! I also recently read Gavin de Beckers the Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift. Protecting the Gift is a great book for parents to read…..go get it!

  14. I spent 20 years in a mostly psycologically abusive Christian marriage, and 12 years out still have issues, also – fear of making decisions (since I’ve made such bad ones however well-meaning or though out), of being dependent even when with a wonderful, absolutely trustworthy husband, and wonder if I have a stamp on my forehead about abuse in the workplace. I have read some of your recommended books, and will read the others. Al-Anon was a lifesaver, or at least saved my sanity. Thank you for sharing what helped you – we need to keep the information flowing so that survivors can move on, and others can learn to avoid or better understand!

    • Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope that my recommendations are helpful. If you have any suggestions to add to my reading list I would love to hear about them. Thanks for your support!

  15. I use to use your #1 and “Divorce Poisoning” by Richard Harvak (I think) it’s been a couple of years, but I even bought a couple of copies and gave to some of the attorneys around here when I had to testify in court on behalf of the children… You’re right…. #1 is right up there with the Bible… This other one is really good too. Check it out if you have a chance.

  16. “Why does he do that?” is the 1st book I read on the subject and it was an eye-opener. Before that I had been driving myself crazy wondering about his motives and whether or not he was insane. After reading Bancroft’s book, I didn’t care why.

    • The book is definitely an eye opener, and honestly can even be a bit painful to read depending on where your at in your journey. Thank you for sharing and supporting our little community of friends here at Prego and the Loon!

  17. I don’t feel sorry for you for a second. YOU were probably such a bitch about everything that he ran away, no man runs away from a nice woman, also DIVORCE is against Christ’s commandments. . .read the bible spoiled brat, your supposed to work it out no matter how hard it is. You’ll have to come back in another life, hopefully you’ll read the bible at a young age then.

    • It’s interesting to see the flip side of the story. Maybe I am a brat, and maybe you’re the man (or woman) who is at home beating their infant… but who am I to judge. Thanks for taking time to read my blog! πŸ™‚

    • This is a joke right? This idiot can’t be serious..

    • Hey, Music! Are you serious or just a blog troll? Divorce being against Christ’s commandments: Have you read Mal 2:16? The whole verse? “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.Check my blog:
      I was the abused wife of a Christian husband and talk about why just working it out takes more than one willing/aware party, and how the church and scripture abuse further. And your anger….well, what are YOU defending? And how are you representing Christ?

  18. Thanks for reading my blog. I am really impressed with what I’ve seen here..very useful stuff for anyone caught up in a domestic violent situation. I really commend you for what you’re doing – so many women must find it a life saver. Neva

  19. I have a similar story, I left when my daughter was 2 1/2. I had the luxury of moving 1500 miles away from him and completely starting over. Domestic violence counseling in group and EMDR individual counseling helped tremendously. My fav on your list is “Gift of Fear”. I wish I would have read it as a teenager. Thank you for sharing your story. I am 3 1/2 years out and remarried to a man who doesn’t raise those red flags (he actually suffered an abusive marriage too, it does happen the other way as well).

    • You are so LUCKY you had the pleasure of moving 1500 miles away from your abuser… I currently feel stuck all too close!

      • I can honestly say it was the best thing that could have happened. I have only seen him once since I left, and he has only seen his daughter three times in the past 3 1/2 years. Good luck. Stay positive.

  20. Wow. This is a solid list. Thanks for sharing such important resources. Thanks also for visiting my blog!

  21. Another great book is How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before Getting Involved by Sandra Brown. A must read.

  22. Thanks for visiting my blog. You have a pretty awesome blog youself. Keep writing.

  23. Thanks for following our blog. Returning the favor and glad to be a part of your support team.

  24. Educating blog. I currently support a group S.T.A.N.D. (Stand Together Against Nationwide Domestic Violence) started by my sister who was in an abusive marriage. Unfortunately, the loss of 3 of her children was the wake-up call. I look forward in reading more from your blog. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    • I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy! Were the children taken away or brutally murdered? Either one is an absolute horrific thought to think! You don’t need to answer my question if it is too personal. My Ex was very abusive throughout my pregnancy, and I’m surprised my little one survived. He’s my lucky angel, and my superhero that gets me through my darkest days. Thank you for sharing your personal story, and providing your support!

      • My sister was at work, and the children were under his care at home. He left the house, and it caught fire. three died, and one survived. She had been planning to leave him. During hospitalization of her daughter, and his absence at the hospital, she ended the relationship. Soon after, she moved to a different city. Til this day, he fails as a father to the surviving daughter.

      • WOW… That story just brought tears to my eyes. That is horrific and I can’t imagine the pain and suffering that your sister and her daughter have gone through these past years. Please send them my love and support!!

  25. Reblogged this on Odd Winds to Abba and commented:
    “The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.” Perhaps one of these books shall provide such counsel to a friend of yours:

  26. prayers go out to anyone who is struggling with abuse

  27. Keep spreading the word, sister!

  28. Reading really helps…About how reading in general has brought a person back onto her path, I strongly recommend The Reading List by Lesley Shimotakahara (2012). You’ll like it.

  29. Been there, love your posts, amen… i Look foward to reading some of your suggested books. Bless your heart and I beleive there is still much to learn for women, I have quite a few notions myself as I plan to write something similiar. Thank you much …

    • I learned many lessons in this relationship, and I plan to share them along the way throughout my posts. Thank you for reading a bit of my blog, and I look forward to future interactions!

  30. an interesting blog; I know instances of this — and thanks for subscribing to my blog; I hope I make it worth your while

  31. READ THE ENTIRE SERIES BY GAVIN DE BECKER! especially Protecting the Gift!

  32. Thank you for stopping by my blog and following, you have a very honest blog. Keep up the good work. Never lose hope, we always have support all around us even when we think we are alone. Take care. Best wishes.

  33. Thank you for the blog following, I really do appreciate it. Keep going. Love Clarabelle

  34. Thank you for liking my post on “Day 47″of my 365 Photo Project, therefore enabling me to discover this wonderful blog. And thank you for sharing your story in this blog, enabling other survivors of abuse to know that they are not alone.

  35. A great list of books to help bring abuse to light. I personally cannot understand how love can change to domination and abuse– but that’s me. I know it happens all to often and I’m happy there are those to speak out against it!

  36. It’s wonderful, and so important, that you have the courage to create this blog. (Thank you for visiting mine.) I look forward to your posts. πŸ™‚ Love & Light.

  37. What you write about in this blog has taken courage. I admire you for opening yourself up and helping other women who are going through the horrors of abusive relationships. As a high school teacher of at risk youth I have seen girls dealing with abusive boyfriends. These girls have so little self-esteem and don’t realize their worth. I will follow your blog and recommend it to my female students.
    Warmth and Peace

    • I wish my high school teachers would have educated us about domestic violence. At the very least given us a worksheet on red flags or the cycle of violence. Thank you for your support, and I look forward to interacting further with you and your students!

  38. thanks you for becoming one of my readers and following my blog. I hope that it brings a little joy to your day. Remember to be good to yourself. If we don’t take care of ourselves how will be ever be able to take care of those we love.

  39. Thank you for visiting my site, and I definitely appreciate yours. I have read many of the same books you list here. Another book that greatly helped me on my journey of finally seeing those red flags was this one by Harriet Braiker:

    I have some poems on custody under “Poetry of Transformation/”Parenting” on my site. Perhaps when that time comes they may be supportive for you.

    Blessings and peace for your path

  40. One of the major struggles I had while exiting a 16-year verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive relationship was recognizing and admitting that I was being abused. I think this is sometimes harder for men to see when it’s happening, but the “crazy making” of an abuser can confuse any of us. A book that really helped me get some perspective was Patricia Evan’s book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond.

    Thanks for your blog; you are raising awareness and letting people know they are not alone. I admire your bravery.

  41. Reblogged this on Starting Over and commented:
    Just when I was ready to quit, along comes “Prego and the Loon”. Love her blog.

  42. Reading helps us to tap into the wisdom of ages. And that can indeed save lives. finding the courage and the serenity to talk about what you went through is truly inspirational.
    Thank you.

  43. I work at a Martial Arts Academy and we deal with NSW police force and NSW rape crisis centres. We teach women self defence. A little knowledge in learning how to protect yourself goes a long, long way. As my Jiu Jitsu coach told me “if you know how to defend yourself, you have an 80% chance of getting away – if you have no knowledge, that goes to zero”

  44. Reblogged this on Daymares and other dreams and commented:
    Add your thoughts here… (optional)

  45. Some other great books are Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson PhD and Controlling People by Patricia Evans. One book helps to to re-wire. the other book helps the light bulb go on, respectively.

  46. And writing will save your sanity. Thank you.

  47. I’m so glad I found this list in your archives. Thank you for posting it.

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