Prego and the Loon

Cliques, Questions, and a Punch in The Face

In Family on October 25, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Every Clique or individual has their top 10 questions that they ask someone they recently meet. For example sports fans might ask other like parties… “What’s your favorite team?” or “Did you see the game last night on television?” New mommies have a similar set of questions, and amongst those questions is my favorite… “Are you planning on having another child?” I imagine this is every single mommies least favorite question. When I am personally approached with this question many thoughts race through my head… “Yes I plan on having a few more with the husband who I recently divorced.” “Yes I plan on having random sex with a stranger in the near future.” “Yes I will be having artificial insemination, thanks for asking… oh and does your husband want to donate?” I realized these ladies asking may not be aware of my current status, or even how this question may affect me… so I’m going to fill you in. If you want to punch me in the face, or feel like ripping my heart right out of my chest then ask me this one question. This question is a reminder of what once was, and what could have been my happily ever after. Any thoughts or opinions regarding this topic?

  1. I hope you will find the patience needed to deal with those questions. Remember their intentions are not bad, they are just trying to build bonds; and you will be able to control your feelings eventually. Just cast a wide smile and simply say “No”. And if you get a disapproving look, well… Do you need somebody’s approval? Only your own! Enjoy!

  2. Thank you for liking my blog. I hope you obtain useful information/advice from the many notes I have written on management matters. I still have much to add so you might get even more help

  3. I connect with what you’re saying. My youngest turns 14 months next week and I was painfully reminded that he’s the same age my oldest was when I got pregnant again, and I’d always planned on a third. Not going to work out like I planned, and that’s hard. So much of this is about mourning not what we had–because, frankly, what I had wasn’t that great–but about mourning what could have been. Thank you for validating my thoughts and feelings on this cold night!

    • I kissed that dream good-bye and watched it sail away, and as it rest out on the horizon another dream drifted my way. I know there is another HAPPILY EVER AFTER just around the corner for both of us!

  4. This is pretty hilarious, not gonna lie. But I feel you! Congrats on being a new mommy, sorry to hear about the divorce (hoping it’s for the better) and I believe in you 🙂 Everything always falls into place, one way or another, sooner or later =D

    Join Me~
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    Follow Me~@missbayareacali

  5. I’m goings to be honest with you. Your story and your experiences is not something I know a lot about. But from what I see so far, you seem like an incredibly brave and resourceful person, and I’m glad you found our blog – so we found you.

    • I hope you never have to experience an abusive relationship, and that is why I will continue to pour my heart into this blog. Thanks for taking time to read my blog, and provide support!

  6. I’m glad you found me! It gave me the chance to find you too. I don’t know if you can relate, but it’s gotten to the point that though everyone that hears about my past ‘mistake’ sympathizes and wishes me the best, I still feel alone in this experience. I feel like a lone tree on a deserted island that has went through something…will always be going through something that no one else can relate to or understand. So, though I am very sad that you went through this pain, I’m glad to meet a fellow survivor. Does that make sense? We need to stick together, people like us.

    • I can whole heartedly relate to your feelings and emotions. A few recommendations that have helped me along the way… Look into a therapist if you haven’t already. Try attending a support group on a regular basis (Groups for: Depression, Domestic Violence, or maybe look into Al-Anon). Get out on a regular basis, exercise, and when you get home try reading a self help book of your choice. I’m always just a blog away if you need me. Thanks for reading a bit of my blog, and showing your support!

  7. I am so sorry for everything you have been through and continue to go through emotionally. You are very brave and strong. Having been a witness to domestic violence for many years, I can tell you it takes a lot of courage to leave and courage that many do not have. Sending you love.

    • Leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and in the process I lost everything except the one precious treasure that keeps me afloat (my child). Thanks for your support!

  8. I agree. No one should be asking this question unless the intimately know the person. But then again when your pregnant or totting kid around people assume they can give you all sorts of advice. I try to stay neutral unless again, I know the person and they welcome the advice, etc. I’m going to recommend your blog to a friend who is going through a messy divorce. Thanks for putting your self out there.

  9. My husband and I always wanted four kids. After my third was born with a congenital heart defect I just didn’t have the courage to do it again. Even after explaining that my husband has had a vasectomy people still insinuate that I should have more kids. “I’m done” I say. And there is so much behind those words. The fear, anger, grief, anguish. Although our circumstances are different, I understand a little about the questions you don’t want to answers and the answers people don’t always want to hear.

    Hope it gets easier for you!

    • It’s amazing the amount of thoughts and emotions that run through your head when your confronted with little questions such as these. I hope your third child is doing well, and thank you so much for sharing your story!

  10. Thank you for sharing that. It’s a sober reminder of how distressing innocently intended questions can be. My hat goes off to single mums everywhere. I honestly don’t know how you do it, except that only your child would keep you going. Thank you also for sharing your story so bravely and honestly. It is a blessing to people you don’t even know and never will.

  11. A dreaded personal question, in my opinion. Women are capable of doing more things than having babies.

  12. Thanks for the visit and the follow. This is a good blog, although it makes me sorrowful–partly because I feel like I could have gone down a similar path . . . It’s never as simple as just “ending the relationship.” Stay strong. I’ll pray for you if I may.

    As for the questions–different context, but I wrote a sort of similar post on an old blog after I had been diagnosed and treated for breast cancer ( Same recognition that people were trying to bond and not trying to be hurtful, same wishing they’d just shut up.

  13. Thank You for following my blog. One of the great things about the internet is that we can find and meet people who are going through the same or similar experiences – definitely makes us feel we are not the Lone Ranger. Your experiences are indeed more difficult than mine was, you are a real trooper and from the comments I’ve read, you are really helping other people. Good on your Girl! So glad you find such joy in your son.

    When I was married almost 44 years ago, people kept asking if I had children. An honest question and to which I replied no. But it was the nosey ones that bugged me – they would ask Why not?. To me that was rude and none of their business, so I made them sorry they asked. I simply told them it was a choice between children and Rheumatoid Arthritis and I had RA. Now, if we had wanted children badly enough I would find a way, but we didn’t – also none of their business. It seems people never change, except maybe they feel they can ask more probing questions now.

  14. Sometimes I think people ask empty questions as conversation fillers; to help fill uncomfortable silence. They do it without thinking.
    My golden rule: Occasionally, you just need to shut your mouth…and listen. It sucks that you had to go through this.
    Instances like this are one of the reasons why I can’t stand pointless conversation & don’t care for having meanless friendships or aquaintences. Forgive me for sounding a slight bit frigid. It’s just my perspective.
    I wish you love. Thank you for sharing this.

  15. Take care, be bluntly honest with the people who ask these questions, if nothing else that will shut them up.It has worked foe me. Thanks for the follow – I hope everything works out for you.I no it is a cliche, but time heals.

  16. Whew! Tricky issue, prego. But, as an ex-journalist and inveterate question-asker, I suggest most who ask that question – or anything similar – almost certainly do so without any intentional negative consequence. It is a natural question. And, i think,should be treated in that way. No-one else (except, perhaps, someone VERY familiar with your circumstances) could possibly guess at the utterly regrettable experiences you have lived through. We reach out to each other by asking questions, so i would urge you to have patience and come to an understanding that most (although, quite possibly, not all) who ask such things are doing so to be friendly. Your pain is not something that others can readily know or even anticipate. Trust us that we probably like you. And, yeah, I know I’m a man but not all of us are bastards, (Don’t ask my missus, though, she might tell you her version of ‘the truth’). Hey, life’s too short not to laugh at least some of the time!

    Sincere best wishes, David.

  17. I sometimes feel similarly when people ask questions about my son’s medical condition without much tact. I, unfortunately, had been in two situations similar to yours. Thankfully, I got out of each and didn’t have to dread the 18+ years of worry for myself and my children, as no kids were involved. However, in other posts you spoke about you dreams, future children and picket fences…those dreams are not lost, just postponed! If that is still your dream, you can still have it! Sorry, but I always have to look on the bright side!

  18. I called them nosy, wanting to know all details in others’ life? What’s in it for them?
    BF said only people who dont have life do that, so yeah, whatever. 😀

  19. Sometimes the innocence of a question is blind to the pain it might cause. Yes it is an awkward question (and not just for a mother – but for fathers too), and I believe that people don’t really understand all the hurt that is behind the response no. But it is a question that wishes a good blessing upon the person it is being asked of. So look at it from only the perspective of … a stranger wishes me a blessing. There is good in that.

  20. I know that people can be insensitive but I have to say Never Give Up. Just because you came across a man that treated you so awful does not mean that you have no future. You need time to heal but your life is not over. It’s just slowed down so you can recover.

  21. Some people try to mean well, but just don’t have tact or filters. It’s not anyone’s business when/or if someone is going to have a child, except the parent. It’s as intrusive as asking someone if they are pregnant when you really don’t know. You sound like such an awesome person. You’ve been through so much and you are still battling it. Keep smiling, keep believing in yourself and your strength. You have amazing things ahead of you. Hugs.

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