Prego and the Loon

Lurking in the Shadows, Accidental Death

In Family on October 10, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Stars fill the night sky, and the air is crisp and cool. I glance behind me suddenly realizing I’m outside alone. Anxiety comes over me, and I suddenly pause. I’m alone, all alone, it is night-time, and I am heading to the vehicle my husband and I once shared together. Unless he misplaced it he still possesses a spare key to the car. What if he’s waiting in the dark shadows of the backseat of the car… a knife or gun in hand waiting for blood to be shed. What if he tampered with my breaks or engine fixing my death to look like an accident. Maybe he attached a bomb to the underside of my car. I think I watch too many movies. Bottom line I still have anxiety and fear. I purposely remove items from my car because the train of thought runs through my head… “What if he breaks into my car while I’m in a store or with a friend? What if I wake up tomorrow and my car is gone altogether?… “

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  1. A scary way to live…… I am anxious for you!

    • Thank you for your support… Just remember better anxious then sleeping with the enemy, LOL! Eventually over time bruises fade, anxiety lessens, you may forgive (NEVER forget), and your outlook on life changes. I still have many fears, but my quality of life has greatly improved over the past few years. I look forward to learning, growing, and maybe overcoming some of these fears with my readers! Again… Thanks!

      • You are very strong. It is evident that your healing has already begun. You are able to say what you feel which means you have taken back your voice. You have also shown that you understand the mixed emotions involved in DV. Understanding certainly doesn’t make it less painful, but it does provide direction. You are working on your happiness and health. This is and will continue to be fundamental for you and your child.

      • bruises do fade away. broken hearts are somehow mended. our minds and hearts get their strength back and we manage to pick all the shattered pieces up quicker than we’d ever imagine, and move on. we defeat weakness for the love of life. stay brave.

      • Beautifully written words of strength and wisdom… Thank you!

  2. maybe you can change your car soon…be careful

    • Thanks for the support, and the tip. Unfortunately I have been living on very minimum funds since I left my husband, and I don’t have the finances to do so. Suggestions are always welcome, thanks for stopping by my blog!

  3. I came to your blog because you clicked “like” on one of my posts… and I am in awe of you. You are brave, and doing the right thing. No one should put up with the darkness you’re talking about, and I’m so glad you have the courts on your side.
    If you can afford it, perhaps you can get the locks to your car changed? A friend of mine did that after her car was stolen and then recovered by the police… the peace of mind is huge. (Also, and you’ve probably done this, the locks on your house, your garage, your workplace or any other access he might have.)
    Be well… you are wonderful!

    • Definately get your locks changed on the car, if you can afford it. So many people stay in a relationship because they can’t afford to live on their own. You are an inspiration in bravery.

    • Here for the same reasons. You are an amazingly strong person, and I hope that everything gets better for you. Stay strong; you are an inspiration to us all.

  4. I clicked like but like is not what I feel for you. I feel caring and concern. I was there some years ago. and I am here now for you. Blessings.

  5. We are strong but when i see children suffering, i’m getting very very angry and sad. It’s good you’ve escaped and stay away!!! The kid will help you cope with the situation. ^-^

    • My child is my true HERO… he saved my life when I had no idea I needed rescuing! He gave me the courage necessary to leave my husband when he (my child) was just a small infant. Thank you so much for your support!!

      • What a WONDERFUL attitude! I hope you let him know when he’s old enough to understand. He will be fortunate to grow up a hero rather than a manchild in his father’s footsteps.

  6. I will not be able to feel it exactly how you do but after reading this i do have a slight sense of what your going thru… You are truly brave in every sense of the word… God Bless

  7. You should get your keys changed on the car. If it’s a newer one with electronics, it can be done! If you had money, paint it, too! 😉

  8. You’re very brave and I keep you in my thoughts, hoping only good things will happen to you now,, You’re very brave, stay strong!

  9. maybe you should get a new car 🙂 Well, this is my first time reading your blog, so I don’t know much yet, but I believe thoughts/fears like these are just Satan whispering in your ear. I always tell myself “Fear is believing Satins lies” but, I’ll shut up now, before I come off as way to preachy 🙂

  10. It’s terrible way to live. Even when I was 1000 miles away from mine, every time I saw a white truck I panicked that he was there to kill me.

  11. You are wise to stay alert. I hope that you are able to find peace someday. This is so hard to go through! Be proud of your strength, and never doubt that you have done the right thing.

  12. When I left my abusive ex, I remember emailing “reports” to my hotmail, just in case something happened to me. Thank God, with time, the crazies move on to other victims, at least mine did. Hang in there and remember how your freedom feels, despite the fear.

    • Emailing reports to yourself is a great idea, then it is readily available when needed. I journal and stash random information regarding the situation. Not quite as organized, but seems to be working, lol.

  13. Not quite what I was expecting to read this morning… you clicked like on my post wishing Happy Birthday to our Navy – I have no idea how you found my site but reading yours I’d gladly know the year of deployment will be over than to live in your fear. I can only hope that you’ll find peace and be able to live without glancing over your shoulder. Continuing to write and journal is extremely important… not only for your inner peace but for the legal system. I thank God I haven’t had a man do this to me or my child, I can only send my prayers of hope. I wish you joy.

  14. You might not be able to afford a new car, but what about checking something like craigslist for an even trade? At least then it would just be the cost of titles, registration, etc.

  15. Hi thanks for following my blog. I hope everything is ok with you now that you have left your husband. You did the best thing for you and your child. Take care.

  16. Fear is part of courage, and you are courageous. Stay safe and I will offer silent blessings to the universe for you and those you love.

  17. Sending you prayers and blessings for peace, love and courage….

  18. I clicked the “Like” button, but I don’t like what is happening to you. I hope you can put this behind you sooner than later.

  19. Thanks for liking one of my posts. When someonen does that, you know there is something interesting you would have written about. I hope you will find a bit of upliftment in some of my posts.
    You deserve better and I am pleased that you have what it takes to overcome the grief and the anxiety gripping you. I can feel it from your words that you are strong. Feel free to share your fears, and find confidants to share with some of the challenges while you are on the road to recovery

    Besides what they carry and convey, I like the intensity of your posts

  20. Wow! I found your post because you liked mine. When I first read your blog I thought at first it was a story and not your life. You are so descriptive and communicative on what you are going through. I am praying for you and your child.

    I also think you are braver than you even realize. You provide inspiration to others that may be dealing with some of the same issues. So many people are ashamed to tell what goes on behind abusive relationships but your courage to bring us (internet) into your world shows how incredible you truly are.

    I hope you continue to journel because I believe the process of getting your emotions out is where your true healing lies. Just know you are not the only woman that has to endure this type of cruel and undue behavior and your posts just may give someone else to courage to step outside of thier situation.

    Stay Encouraged, Stay Safe and Believe you Will Overcome this situation.

  21. please be careful… please..
    sending you virtual hugs

  22. Very sad to read. I don’t even remember what it feels like to feel this way anymore. Too many years of living on my own, getting very strong, even taking assertiveness training classes many years ago. After a while you get the “make my day” attitude without even trying. That’s when no one will mess with you. There is something very animalistic and antagonistic about fear, it attracts problems. You can’t fake bravery. I pray that you come to this mindset soon for your sake and safety and know that you can do all things through Christ. You of course have to use good judgement and be very careful. After I left my abusive husband I came out to my car one day after leaving a friend’s home to find flowers left in the car. His way of telling me that he was watching and following me, even though he tried to say it was to “get me back.” Pray he gets into another relationship quickly. It will take his attention off of you and this is what you need. Good luck and God bless.

  23. Your fear is very real, yet you seem to use it to gather strenght. No one should have to live in the fear you do, my heart goes out to you. Please take care — Bill

  24. Reblogged this on I WIN.

  25. […] via Lurking in the Shadows, Accidental Death « Prego and the Loon. […]

  26. Chilling. I really feel for you, fear is the worst kind of darkness. I’ll be posting a poem in a few weeks about violent trauma inspired by a tragic story that happened in Hawaii in the 70’s. Not sure if it will help but I feel compelled to write it.

  27. How long had it been since you left him? I left 3 months ago and I still feel fear and anxiety about him. I had a flashback and panic attack in the deposition a few weeks ago because he was in the room.

  28. After 44 years of marriage and abuse, both violently physical, my mother shot and killed my father. She was on trial for murder and eventually found guilty of voluntary manslaughter. It is a tough life for everyone involved to live an entire lifetime in that cycle of abuse… my father, my mother, my brother and sisters and I, and our children, my parents grandchildren. Then, for it to end as tragically as it did, first with a bullet, then in a courtroom… stay strong.

    Always,
    Me

    • My heart breaks as I read each word you have written! I am truly sorry for your loss, and all that you had to endure. Thank you for sharing your story. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  29. Thank you for following my blog, because without that notification, I may never have found yours! I read your posts, and they resonate with me in a very real way. I, too, am a survivor of domestic violence by an alcoholic boyfriend when I was 18. I stayed for a year, allowing the scary behavior and the warning signs to build until he exploded in rage at me one night, this time directing his fists at me. It has been many, many years since then, and while it is true that the bruises fade, the scars fade, you get stronger, the memories have never left me. My thoughts are with you, I hope you keep writing. I did back then, and it helped me deal with the grief, pain, anger, sadness, and loss. Thank you for sharing your story. We need people like you to continue to bring this issue to light.

  30. Your courage is commendable. From someone who has been there, still trying to recover, it’s a long journey out but it’s worth it…. Take care!

  31. You’re not alone in your fears. Many people, both men and women, have fears of repercussions from settled divoirces and disolutions. Myself included. Time does heal, you’ll hear that a lot and see it to; in time. Bless you.

  32. Thank you for following my blog. Since I cannot speak English, I cannot say well. Good luck!

  33. Thank you for liking my post about domestic violence and giving me a chance to read about your journey. You are in a good place between hyper-vigilance and peaceful independence. Eventually, the hyper-vigilance will begin to fade and you will be left with peace, a profound sense of strength, and an indescribable feeling of pride. You are amazing and your son is blessed to have you. Thank you for sharing your story with so many and for your gift of writing. Take care of yourself.

  34. I’m ex-Armed Forces and after the Irish ‘troubles’, I always check under my car for bombs and the back seat etc. It’s not often I drive anywhere though…
    Carol.

  35. Not only are you going through a horrific time in your life, but you write beautifully. I’m fearful for you and your son. Please take care…. people who don’t know you, care for you and are concerned. Hugs…

  36. The Greek Philosopher Epicurus said: “You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” You are a courageous woman.

  37. All men should read your blog. I risk sounding shallow but I have to say this: I’m ashamed to admit that I wasn’t aware of the psychological wounds on women hurt by violence. I had always thought that you would be ‘fine’ once he’s out of your life. You are proof that god made women amazingly strong. Please take care 🙂

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