Prego and the Loon

Drunk, Defeated, or Dead

In Family on October 10, 2012 at 5:09 am

“Why do you think he didn’t show?,” asked a friend. He died. That is all that runs through my head. He must be dead, otherwise why wouldn’t he show up at the courthouse that day. Maybe he’s too proud, maybe he’s drunk or coked up somewhere, maybe he already felt he had been defeated, or maybe he’s dead. That is not wishful thinking, but rather a coping mechanism lingering in my head. If death became of him I do not have to fear him. Nor do I have to deal with the issue that maybe he never loved or cared about me. I would no longer have to worry that he would harm our son, manipulate him, or be that Disneyland Dad. I would not have to worry about what to tell our son when he gets older. Should I inform him of our dark history, or should I allow him to pass his own judgement. How far should I go to protect our son from his fathers physical and verbal abuse?

  1. Tough questions. You will find resources toward gaining answers here: Perhaps you already have a resource, if so, Human Options is a good one to keep on file.

  2. go as far as you need to

  3. I never wished death for my first husband, and it was very tragic and heart wrenching when he did die. But a flood relief did come over me. Because I knew I did not have to be afraid for my child any longer. I could have dealt with it as long as possible, but a child dealing with it is unimaginable. Be strong….trust in God. It will not always be easy, sometime you will have to look like the bad guy to protect your child.

    • I know that I’m doing my job as a good mother if I look like the BAD guy once in awhile! Thanks so much for your personal story and support!

  4. Do whatever it takes to protect your child! They are more important than anything!

  5. I have difficulty coping with this question. Too easy to think we have the answer.

  6. Please protect yourself and child by seeking help… Praying for you…

  7. Powerful stuff, thanks for coming forward and documenting this. Thanks also or dropping by and following me, but I feel humble by comparison….

    • Everyone has a story to tell, and we can all learn from one another! Thank you for your support, and I look forward to following your blog!

  8. My first husband was an alcoholic. A functioning one but one the same. After our divorce we were somewhat amicable. Rgardless of how I felt about him I decided our children deserved to know him, good, bad or ugly. We shared time with the kids. He got all the good time, Christmas break, spring and summer breaks from school. We lived in different states so I would pay to send the kids to see him and then have to pay ransom to get him to return them. Still he was their dad.

    One day he just stopped calling. Stopped visiting. I tried and tried to get a hold of him. My kids crying at the silence. He contacted me and announced he was going to pick them up and take them to Disneyland. He never showed. The kids packed, ready to go, excited and patiently waiting. He never showed, never called, never communicated!

    I ended up filing an action to have him pay child support. He paid $5000 to a lawyer to fight it. California judges in their infinite wisdom granted him relief. No child support order for me. Judge didn’t want to do a disservice to the dad. He was an idiot. Dad wone and then dissappeared.

    Finally after a year of his absence I had remarried and my new husband wanted to legally adopt the kids. We went through the process and had dad personally served in the state he lived in to tell the family court why they should not terminate his parental rights.

    Day of the hearing (I worked for a family law attorney but being a client is a LOT different) we were all at the courhouse. I would look at every man walking toward us. Surely he’ll show up! Right? He wouldn’t just abandon the kids legally and forever. Would he? Nooo not the man I knew.

    He didn’t show, he didn’t call, he didn’t arrive. I, like you thought, he’s dead. He has to be dead. Finally he’s wrapped himself around a tree maybe coming from the hotel where he stayed last night. He has to be dead what else would keep him from this? He loves his kids, right? I guess not. He didn’t show.

    He recently contacted me. After 17 years of silence. My husband passed away, the kids are grown and his new wife has passed away also.

    The burning question for me all these years was why? Why did you abandon the kids like that? I really needed to know. Had to know. Kids would ask and I could only say I do not know.

    He finally told me the other day. He thought he was doing what was best for the kids he told me. I told him he’s full of shit. He is an alcoholic and got lazy and it was esier to just bow out and let another man shoulder the work! He said he couldn’t afford to see them. I told him they couldn’t afford not to see you and it doesn’t cost money to talk to someone.

    For years I wondered. I finally got an answer and it was insufficient.

    He wants to be dad now to children that have called another man dad for 17 years…my son told him I don’t know who you are. Too little too late. My daughter said my dad died November 4th.

    If we had a crystal ball to see into the future imagine the pain we could save ourselves and our children.

    • This comment brought tears to my eyes. I can not begin to tell you all the thoughts and emotions that rushed through my head as I read your story. I can relate in so many ways… as a parent I try to surround my child with all the love and affection he deserves. This includes involving my Ex’s family in the picture, and as much as I love them this can be emotionally difficult at times. I am often on edge when we are together, and never fully disclose every bit of information in fear that it may leak back to the monster. Thank you so much for sharing your personal story with me it is comforting to know that I am not alone! Big hugs and a bit of free spirit sunshine will be sent your way! I look forward to interacting with you in the future!

      • Your child is completely entitled to have all the love and affection you’ve given him. As you stated, he DESERVES it. Including your Ex’s family is an unselfish, generous act on your part. Its for your child’s benefit. It cannot be a bad thing. Though I fully know the feeling of being on edge with your in-laws. That feeling never abated for me when I was around my in-laws. Maybe it was my subconcious picking up their negative vibes! lol…not sure. Maybe I just knew they merely tolerated me. I of course tolerated them out of respect. They were my husband’s parents, right? They raised him so they get some respect from that. However, I readily admit I do not miss them! I’m good with that too!

    • Why is simple. He didn’t care. He says he thought he was doing what was best for the kids and it probably was but that’s not why he did it. But i don’t have to tell you that I see you say so yourself. Lazy, easier to spend his money on drink than pay child support. Easier to spend his time on drinking than with his kids. I had an ex whose excuse was “I’m a piece of s**t.” I hated that answer. i thought sure you just say that and it makes it okay. Finally I came to terms with it. He’s just a piece of s**t.

      • Unfortunately yes, there are some out there that just don’t care, they are self centered, lazy and a piece of sh*t. They need to make a colony for those types and put them all in together. That way the rest of humanity would be safe from harm by those types.

  9. Children need to be protected – good luck in doing whatever is needed. Thanks for visiting/following my blog too.

    • I hope to protect until he is old enough to understand, make his own decisions, and fight back if needed! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and opinions in regard to my situation!

  10. your express your thoughts with true insight, not afraid to say what you really feel…. powerful

    • Thank you… I write in hopes that my stories may help someone currently dealing with similar issues.

  11. Blessings & Prayers in your journey ♥

  12. It’s too bad when mothers have to protect their children from their fathers. It is unimaginable that any right thinking father would like to hate his own child. If love has failed, why can’t people just accept that it didn’t work out and they move on. At times I also wonder why people who were once married should at the end of the day become enemies. Maybe there are people who fall in love and marry for the wrong reasons.

    I am sure if you constantly engage your son about this issue, he will get to understand. If he is old enough to reason things, try to have as much casual discussions over the issue, at times asking for his opinion.

    Give him as many scenarios that happened to your marriage life and ask how he would have reacted if it were him? Ask for the reasons why he would have reacted that way. if his answer differ from how you reacted yourself, give him your perspective of things and explain why you would react the way you did.
    Try not to link this to you and your former husband, use anonymous people as much as possible

    At the same time, while you may talk to him about the bad things that his dad did, also don’t forget to acknowledge to him some od the good things that he did or was. It is important for him to feel that you also appreciated his Dad and this will give him the impression you are objective in your decisions.

    Not everything will work here, but am sure one or two will.

  13. we are praying for you and your family. honestly, i can’t begin to understand exactly what you’re going thru so i’ll not minimize your pain by telling you I do. but God does and He cares. May the Love of Jesus be with you.

  14. If you don’t protect your son and he is abused, then he will blame you later for not being his champion.

  15. While your son is small, you are his world….boys need dads, true, but babies male/female need mama’s most of all. Tell him honest answers to his questions…children ask questions they are ready to have straight answers to in my opinion. Good for you in getting out of a negative relationship.

    • Thank you for your advice. I agree that honesty is always best provided that it is age appropriate. I appreciate you stopping by, and look forward to interacting with you in the future!

  16. Thank you for telling your story. I hope it helps even one other person take a step to do whatever it is they need to do to protect themselves and their children.

  17. You are a very brave and strong woman. I’m proud of you.

  18. As someone commented above…everyone has a story to tell. Thank you for sharing yours and for following mine.

    • A story is never truly told unless the audience is truly listening! I look forward to interacting with you online in hopes to learn and grow from one another! Thanks for your support!!

  19. I suppose a lot of people would think that having your mind go straigh to “Maybe he’s dead”, a little strange. But I spent a lot of years wondering the same thing with my ex. Passed out, with someone/somewhere he shouldn’t be, arrested, running or yes, dead. I was called to a hospital once and to an I.D (yes that kind) another time. There were distraught, worrying, calling everyone, every hospitall, the police times. There were the prayers. The pleading. The waiting up … Oh that was worse than anything. And then eventually, double locking the door, taking a pill and going to sleep. What could I do?

    I mourned many children on my road to motherhood and I reason that my losses with him were to spare our child and me the very issues you’re dealing with now. I have a friend with a child asking the same questions. I give her advice based on what a close friend told me. She said when he was young she thought her Dad was this amazing guy who dropped by for some fun…your Disney Dad fear. Her Mom allowed it. Why should she be the bad guy? As my friend got older, the cracks began to show and slowly her Mom explained her Dad’s failings as an illness. Before she was 10 my friend knew what alcoholism was and much as she didn’t like it, eventually accepted her Mom’s decisions whether to let her see her Dad or not, depending on what state he was in. Believe me, the truth will hurt him but your son has an incredible Momma and openess as and when he can understand it will be remembered.

    There’ll be times when you and your son will clash over this and it’ll be so unfair on you. But the truth will out and your son will respect you for it. You use the law, the system, your friends and every person you know to go Momma Bear and protect your kid when you have to. And try to let your son believe Daddy isn’t always well until he’s old enough to get it. Maybe his Dad will clean up. Maybe he will die. If the latter happens, you’ll both be spared but try to leave your little guy with a sense that this was his Daddy’s illness (and when he gets it, his choice), and was not about the two of you.

    Hope this situation resolves itself and the system protects you both. You’re doing a great job, life gets easier as you grow in strength … and you will …and as in my friend’s case, great stepdad’s compensate for crappy bio-Dad’s 🙂 Don’t ever give up hope 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, and your compassionate demeanor! I greatly appreciate you stopping by, and look forward to interacting with you in the future!

  20. Wow. Your story brings tears to my eyes. No one should live in fear. Although I don’t wish death on my ex and the father of my three now grown children, there are times when I imagined it would be easier without him in the picture at all. Divorcing after 17 years wasn’t easy but necessary. I never slandered him to the kids, knowing that when they were old enough they would see his true colors. (They were 5, 7,and 10 when we separated) Flash forward 13 years. Although we are both remarried, he still cant help himself from talking crap about me to the kids. Except now they shut him down. Your motherly instincts will tell you what you need to do to love and protect your son. Listen to your gut. It will never steer you wrong. Blessings to you!

  21. I don’t know if this comment is truly appropriate but I am this child:
    My father was a drunk, a drug addict and God knows what more… The family judge allowed him to have visits with me when my mother had had previously a three year restraining order against him. I think he sympathized with him because they were both hispano… My mother let me pass my own judgement, and seldom ever spoke of him to me.
    I will spare you from the details of why we left, but we did. My mother saved my life, and though now she is facing charges for what she did IT WAS WORTH IT. The truth sets us free and comes out to light in time. Inside you you will find the strength and wisdom that we all women have to guide you through this hard.
    My heart and support is with you, I know this must seem weird, but I am very proud you being so proactive about this!

  22. Do everything possible to protect your child. I I have a lifetime restraining order on my ex for myself and my daughter, the eldest. She’s 18 now. I haven’t ever gone into details of the past with her because I feel it’s not needed at this time, if ever. She’s had it hard enough being without a father for so long. The details could ruin her even more. Be strong for yourself & your child. There is lots of support. You just have to ask. Take care.

  23. DDD – Drunk, Defeated or Dead, may be.

  24. I feel your pain all too well. I deal with this monthly from my son’s father. Best of luck to you and it sucks to have crappy “baby daddies” but you must prevail! My first son calls my fiance, father of my second son daddy. The original father was abusive, insignificant and ignores his child it is a shame. I wish wish you safety for you and your child. I know your pain – hang in there!!

  25. I am having a lot of concern.This is all real?
    Well, you go all the way with honesty with your son, without anger, so he is forewarned. We have had too many terrible things come of ‘protection’ and family silences. Don’t make yourself the bad guy too much.It WILL cross a child’s mind(or an adult’s) that the victim caused the problems at one time or another, so don’t let it kill you.But silence is not protection for anyone but the abuser, who will misuse it every time.

  26. What a terrible decision to have to make!
    Sorry for your son.

    • As a young girl the only thing I dreamed of was growing up to be an amazing little homemaker like my Mama. It was extremely difficult to walk away, but deep down I knew it was BEST for my son and I! Thanks for stopping by, and showing your support!

  27. It takes a brave soul and you are one.
    Welcome! Thank you for subscribing to follow my blog. I hope you are encouraged, inspired and enjoy the photos I take of life’s events as seen through the lens of my camera.

  28. What you choose will be very worthy and you should never regret. Other people learn through the experience of people like you who are protagonists and pioneers opening good paths. Have a nice day and… Courage!!!
    Thanks for the visit and for following the blog.

  29. I think your son should be allowed to pass his own judgement. But, if he ever asks … tell him true. My mother and father had “issues.” Things no one ever spoke of. Maybe that was good, maybe not. Strange that!!
    U B Well.
    ** Thanks for following my nonsence, ennuendos, and such. Life goes on … live it.”

  30. Thanks for the like on my blog! I am just starting out and any interaction is appreciated!

  31. Thank you for your story and your open heart. You know, it’s hard to imagine how God will use this for good, to conform us to the image in Christ, but He does that, all the time. I’m so grateful for your faith and trust and courage. Bless your heart. Thanks for following my blog and ZI look forward to hearing what’s next on your journey. 🙂 Susan

    • I will continue to tell my tale one page at a time in hopes to provide support and create community. Thanks for taking the time to read a bit of my blog, and leave a comment!

  32. I dont know how old is your kid and I am in exactly the same boat as you…..all that I will suggest is that try and STOP worrying about the future too much. We cannot control what will happen in the future…if the kid has to go and find him, he will do that once he is 18 + or if he is happy just being with you, he will never try to contact him…its destiny…he can be in tocuh with his dad now and eventually realize what a loser he is…but if you see any signs that he is being brain washed then step in and tell him the real picture in a gentle way….else for the time being just let things be till your head becomes clearer and you get some distance from this experience…trust me it helps.

  33. You have an amazing talent for sharing such deep feelings.

  34. “Nor do I have to deal with the issue that maybe he never loved or cared about me.”

    That’s always the one that gets me most – and I’ve had endless broken relationships ranging from: one who was supposed to marry me… and then his wife rang me (they had 2 kids too)! I caught another in bed with another girl etc. etc. I’ve only been out with 2 decent blokes in 30 years – I sure know how to pick ’em! LOL I’ve given it all up now – it was wasting my life…

  35. I was in a relationship of physical, mental, and emotional abuse with my ex and we have 2 kids under 5 who were in the middle of it. Do what you need to do for your babies! They’re ALL that matter. You are in my thoughts!

  36. I luv ur writing style..

  37. May He hold you both in His hands and walk you through the pain. I had suffered emotional abuse at one time, and it’s not an easy thing to cope with. Couldn’t have gotten through it without the Lord. Thanks for following my blog.

  38. It is important that I say it was many years ago in a previous marriage.

  39. Wow!! Concise and powerful. I dealt with all those same emotions when I was fighting for custody and after I won custody of my son. His mother was in and out of jail and his life. At that time (22 years ago) it was unusual for a single man to be raising a child alone. I decided he would ask her why she wasn’t a part of his life when he was old enough and I would just be the one constant he could always count on. Your ex will dig his own grave as far as your child is concerned whether he is lying in it or not. Stay strong.

  40. So very intense. It must be the worst fear.. I can only imagine. My heart is with you and your son. Take care of yourselves. Seek protection. Know that people support and care for you. Hugs. xo

  41. He sounds like my first husband. I KNOW how all of that feels. I broke out in a cold sweat reading your words. In your court post you mentioned you were feeling a little sad over the end of your marriage. Its normal….even though you are free and you are so relieved a chapter in your life has just closed. Its perfectly normal to feel sad. This too shall pass. Change is always a bit disconcerting even if its for the good.

  42. Thanks for the LIKE on my blog (#60), and for leading me to yours. You’re a good writer and I wish you each day better than the one before it.

  43. Powerful post. written from the heart.

  44. As far as you need to and never look back. Your son will be better for it… Rewind 10 years ago in my life…in a woman’s shelter with my now teenaged daughter… What do I say when she asks “where’s daddy?”…simple but honest… So I say “daddy scared me”… She says…”daddy acres me too”…and has not asked since. So my 2 cents is run far, run fast and never look back. All the best to you on your journey.

  45. I’ve just started following and perhaps my input will indicate how green I am to your posts; however, I believe that all you can do is say something like this: Your father loves you, he just has a poor way of showing it. I realize that this may appear as if I am discounting true abuse; however, since this man is the father of your son… while addressing what has happened, it is also OK to not be additionally severe. I do not say this to come across accepting of abuse, I am not that way at all… yet, when I was left at the hospital to find my own way home… all I could say throughout my son’s younger years, was; Your father loves you, he just has a poor way of showing it… this did not replace the 18 missed birthdays, a Saturday or Sunday or any day of the week in between, yet, it was something I could say without damning his father and yet at the same time… i was not making excuses. Again, I do not know the length of abuse, but, I believe that having a strong parent is paramount and it appears that you are a call it as you see it person. I commend you and I so hope that this comment is read as it was intended. Looking forward to reading & receiving more!

  46. Interesting article…however, I would hope that ultimately the focus would remain on the child as you cope with the other conflicts. Love to see more!

  47. Thank you for following my blog! I’ve been taking a look at yours and am wowed by your honesty and willingness to share such private matters. My father was a violent alcoholic, so I can easily relate to the emotions you express…the positive, the negative, all of it. Courageous!

  48. Good for you for taking the time to write about such a difficult chapter in your life. Writing is cathartic , free therapy. Hopefully your writing will help another woman in your shoes be strong like you. To make the tough but right decisions. Maybe your son can look back on your writing to understand the tough journey you had in order to be a good mom? Good luck on your path…

  49. I weep for mankind. Today, I weep. I weep for courage and downright grit. I weep for you, for your challenges and for your courage.

    Blessings to you and yours.

    • There are many unfortunate things which occur in our world, but they bring a higher level of appreciation to the beautiful moments we experience. I have learned many great lessons from my experience, and I will continue to do so on my journey. Thank you for your blessings and kind words. I greatly appreciate you reading my blog, and look forward to future interaction with you!

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