Prego and the Loon

Drunk, Defeated, or Dead

In Family on October 10, 2012 at 5:09 am

“Why do you think he didn’t show?,” asked a friend. He died. That is all that runs through my head. He must be dead, otherwise why wouldn’t he show up at the courthouse that day. Maybe he’s too proud, maybe he’s drunk or coked up somewhere, maybe he already felt he had been defeated, or maybe he’s dead. That is not wishful thinking, but rather a coping mechanism lingering in my head. If death became of him I do not have to fear him. Nor do I have to deal with the issue that maybe he never loved or cared about me. I would no longer have to worry that he would harm our son, manipulate him, or be that Disneyland Dad. I would not have to worry about what to tell our son when he gets older. Should I inform him of our dark history, or should I allow him to pass his own judgement. How far should I go to protect our son from his fathers physical and verbal abuse?

  1. This saddens me. Having escaped a violent marriage (fortunately I didn`t have children by him) I then went on to work as a lawyer dealing in Family Law and, of course, dealt with domestic violence in the UK on a regular basis. The memories of your personal experiences fade a little with time but still occasionally come back to haunt you – it is such a relief to wake up and realise it is behind you.

  2. You are strong; you are brave; you are beautiful. Move on.

  3. I have read all of your posts, and every single one of them bring tears to my eyes. I feel like you are writing about me. As a child of an abusive father, my advice is NOT to hide the truth from your son. He may resent you for it later. I resented my mother for all the abuse my father put me through my whole life, and I lashed out at her until very recently, when I finally came to terms with it. If his father stays out of his life, and you tell him the truth, you can prevent a lifetime of mental illness like I suffered. I would hate to see anyone go through what I have been through. Im not trying to tell you what to do at all. Just offering advice from experience. I hope this helps.

  4. You are a very strong woman, and should be proud of yourself for getting away from that abusive marriage. I personally think your son has every right to know what kind of pain you suffered, what kind of pain his father put you through. His father will always be his father, no matter how old he is, and he will someday want to meet him. Will he refrain himself from doing what he did to you to your son? Personally, I don’t think so. If you wait until he’s old enough, he will come to terms with it, understand it and understand you much better, he will probably fill that void he’ll have from an absent father with the knowledge of his abusive behavior, and want nothing to do with him. He’ll be safe, and keep you safe.

    Best of Luck! God Bless you and your son.

  5. I made the decision at this point in time to leave very little information in the hands of my young children who have contact with their father, I have no intention to manipulate their decision but they are welcome to the truth should they want to know one day. At this point in time my children have him painted in nothing more than a father model and as much as I have to swallow hard with this I commend myself for putting my anger and bitterness behind me to open myself up to life itself. As they say if you keep retelling the story you will continue to relive it. But like myself sharing on these blog sites installs comfort in many women that they are not alone.

    • Sadly one day my little one came home from daycare and said, “Daddy is at work.” Obviously he understands that when mommies and daddies drop their children off at school they are headed in that direction. At that moment the comment did not appear to be directed at me, nor did it seem to be looking for answers. Therefore I did not address the comment. Throughout this age I imagine he will continue to paint extravagant pictures of his reality. It is my job to direct those thoughts. At this point in time I think that is a fair assumption “Daddy is at work”… although in time the true puzzle pieces will unfold, and if he questions an age appropriate truthful answer will be told.

  6. Bless you…and maybe I should also add bless him for your courage.
    In time your son will ask you questions. Those moments might be for you safe moments to relive the dark history, but instead tell him about your feelings.

  7. Well, life doesn’t seem to arrive with a printed page of answers and our teachers are just folks who got here earlier, right? The first question seems to me needs an answer is: “What did I see in him in the first place, that blinded me to the rest of his reality?” Failing to come to grips with causes, leaves us likely to replay the same scenario, they tell me.

    Then, protect the child from what? None of us can protect our kids from the future. We can watch for risks and deal with them best we can. Caution can be productive but too much fear of events that haven’t occurred is harmful more than helpful, isn’t it?

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