In Self Help on October 29, 2012 at 4:16 am
This is my personal TOP 5 list of books to educate yourself on the topic of domestic violence, and help you to recover from the situation. Personally I would read them in the order listed below, although depending on where you’re at in the cycle you may choose to start elsewhere.
1) Why Does He Do That? by: Lundy Bancroft
As the cover further states this book takes you “Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” A well written book from an actual counselor who specializes in working with abusive men. This book educates you on how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship. I have often heard this book referred to as The BIBLE.
2) Safe And Unfound Escaping Your Abuser by: J.E. Taylor
This book is an excellent go to resource guide of everything you may need to know to escape and move on with your life.
3) The Gift Of Fear by: Gavin De Becker
The front cover further states “This book can save your life… and other survival signals that protect us from violence” Reading this empowering book may help you recognize the subtle signs of danger before it’s too late.
4) Codependent No More by: Melody Beattie
I read this book shortly after I left my Ex, and it helped me to rebuild my boundaries and move on with my life.
5) Courage To Change by: Al-Anon Family Groups
“The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems.”
These books truly helped me, and I am grateful to the various ladies that introduced them to me over time. I am also aware that there are many other books out there on the subject matter, and myself and I imagine my readers would love to hear further suggestions regarding this topic. Provide your thoughts and opinions, and you will be helping someone somewhere!
In Family on October 25, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Every Clique or individual has their top 10 questions that they ask someone they recently meet. For example sports fans might ask other like parties… “What’s your favorite team?” or “Did you see the game last night on television?” New mommies have a similar set of questions, and amongst those questions is my favorite… “Are you planning on having another child?” I imagine this is every single mommies least favorite question. When I am personally approached with this question many thoughts race through my head… “Yes I plan on having a few more with the husband who I recently divorced.” “Yes I plan on having random sex with a stranger in the near future.” “Yes I will be having artificial insemination, thanks for asking… oh and does your husband want to donate?” I realized these ladies asking may not be aware of my current status, or even how this question may affect me… so I’m going to fill you in. If you want to punch me in the face, or feel like ripping my heart right out of my chest then ask me this one question. This question is a reminder of what once was, and what could have been my happily ever after. Any thoughts or opinions regarding this topic?
In Restraining Order on October 24, 2012 at 8:18 pm
Around October or November this unwanted bill addressed to me, but regarding my Ex began showing up in my mailbox. Three temporary restraining orders in hand I marched down to a certain working establishment to clear the air regarding this bill. It was a $25 charge which was billed due to a no show regarding my Ex. Since then I have been receiving a monthly reminder in the mail. They recognize that the bill is obviously his, but choose to send me a reminder since it’s connected to my account. Every bill, every reminder, every letter is a dreadful reminder of what was once a physically and verbally abusive relationship. It is also a reminder of what I wanted, and what had failed! The management team at the working establishment was kind and understanding, and agreed to wipe the charges from my account.
I then proceeded to take my restraining orders to the library. I had been receiving reminders regarding an overdue book. I specifically checked this book out for my Ex on my library card knowing that he would greatly enjoy it. I was right… in fact he enjoyed this book so much he was hoping I’d steal it by “accidentally” losing it. I guess in the end he choose to do so seeing that it hadn’t been returned to its rightful owner. The library was very understanding of my story and wiped the charges from my account. I was very grateful, and proceeded to donate a couple boxes of books in appreciation.
In Awards on October 23, 2012 at 6:19 pm
One short week after I started my blog I received a comment that truly left me speechless! Rose Chimera’s Rantings http://rosechimera.wordpress.com/ nominated me for the Beautiful Blogger Award. I was truly touched by this little act of sentiment and kindness. Big hugs, thanks a bunch, you left a glowing smile on my face! Domestic violence is an important topic that is often swept under the rug. I’m trying to shed a little light on the subject through personal stories and experiences. I hope that others will continue to flock to my blog for emotional safety, support and a chance to share their own story!
The rules are as follows:
1. Thank the blogger who nominated you!
2. Attach the award to your site.
3. Share seven random facts about yourself.
Seven random facts about me:
-Family and friends mean the world to me
-I love costume parties
-I have been on a two week backpacking trip through mountainous peaks
-I love white water rafting and snowboarding
-My favorite magazine is Juxtapoz
-I hope to one day publish a novel
-I am a survivor of domestic violence
Here are my nominations:
(Blogging is a world of community and support, and I greatly appreciate the comments you left behind… Thank you!)
In Anxiety on October 16, 2012 at 4:11 am
Monday afternoon a black Mustang sits parked behind my car. The driver has been sitting in it for quite some time. It makes me nervous… What if it’s him? What if it’s one of his friends? What if it’s a private detective watching my every move and carrying information back to the enemy. In this case my Ex-husband. I jot down the license plate number just in case, and file it away to possibly reference it at a later date. I hope a day comes soon when I can put this behind me, RELAX, and feel at ease.
In Family on October 15, 2012 at 6:13 am
A scene flashes on the television… a woman, a big beautiful diamond ring, and a happy couple. It’s as if someone just took a knife, stabbed me in the heart, ripped it out, and ate it for breakfast while no one was looking. The whole scene sends me straight to tears. I often look back, and wonder what happened to my dream, my happy family, and the man I thought to be so incredibly romantic. At what point did things take a turn for the worst?
In Family on October 10, 2012 at 7:57 pm
Stars fill the night sky, and the air is crisp and cool. I glance behind me suddenly realizing I’m outside alone. Anxiety comes over me, and I suddenly pause. I’m alone, all alone, it is night-time, and I am heading to the vehicle my husband and I once shared together. Unless he misplaced it he still possesses a spare key to the car. What if he’s waiting in the dark shadows of the backseat of the car… a knife or gun in hand waiting for blood to be shed. What if he tampered with my breaks or engine fixing my death to look like an accident. Maybe he attached a bomb to the underside of my car. I think I watch too many movies. Bottom line I still have anxiety and fear. I purposely remove items from my car because the train of thought runs through my head… “What if he breaks into my car while I’m in a store or with a friend? What if I wake up tomorrow and my car is gone altogether?… “
In Family on October 10, 2012 at 5:09 am
“Why do you think he didn’t show?,” asked a friend. He died. That is all that runs through my head. He must be dead, otherwise why wouldn’t he show up at the courthouse that day. Maybe he’s too proud, maybe he’s drunk or coked up somewhere, maybe he already felt he had been defeated, or maybe he’s dead. That is not wishful thinking, but rather a coping mechanism lingering in my head. If death became of him I do not have to fear him. Nor do I have to deal with the issue that maybe he never loved or cared about me. I would no longer have to worry that he would harm our son, manipulate him, or be that Disneyland Dad. I would not have to worry about what to tell our son when he gets older. Should I inform him of our dark history, or should I allow him to pass his own judgement. How far should I go to protect our son from his fathers physical and verbal abuse?
In Restraining Order on October 9, 2012 at 7:16 am
Family court is an interesting place… crowds of people fill the hallway, waiting, anticipating, nervous… some happy, some sad. Ladies fill the women’s restroom just waiting to be the next to paint their face. Tears fill their eyes… maybe they just lost a husband or a child. A story just like mine. It’s interesting that in many rituals you get so dressed up for that one last good-bye. A bon voyage party, a graduation, a funeral, a divorce, and even a restraining order against your husband. Why is it we want to look so beautiful for one last good-bye?
My heart is racing, my hands are shaky, and I anxiously keep looking around and peering over my shoulder to see if he is going to show. He was suppose to appear at 1:45 pm to settle the restraining order, divorce, and custody. Where is he, and what is he thinking? Sitting at a bar knocking back another drink, coked up with some floozy… bottom line he is currently a no show. Funny that he claims to care about his child and want to see his child yet he can’t seem to make it to this court date.
He never showed up at court that day, and because all issues had already been tried once before the judge let us push on without him. The judge granted a five year restraining order to protect myself and our son that day. This is the maximum protection, time frame the court will grant. In addition the judge finalized the mediators recommendations which consisted of my husband having supervised visitation upon completion of an alcohol assessment and a 52 week batterer program. The courts even granted me child support. I was never interested in the money, mostly fear of being tied to him for the next 18 years. It was always about our son’s safety.
Before leaving the courtroom that day the judge spoke to me. She mentioned that she was proud of me for getting out of an abusive relationship, to continue to take the proper steps needed to protect myself and my son, and to start fresh with a new begining. The judge was clearly proud of me. My friends and family were truely proud. I was proud of myself for what I had accomplished that day at the courthouse. I received everything I asked for in court that day. So why did I leave with tears in my eyes? Was I hurt he didn’t show after I was up all evening choosing the perfect outfit, or… That he didn’t care, and no longer loved me? Or that it is the end of this chapter of my life? Many things went through my head at that moment… the romantic moments I shared with him, the physically and verbally abusive nights, where is he at and why didn’t he show up, is he stalking us or are we safe… Although the thought which sticks out most in my head is that this day represents the END of the beautiful dream I hoped to share with my husband, the happy family fantasy, and my white picket fence is no more.